This is not a woe is me post. I am not upset. I am not whining. This is an "is what it is" inquiry. An observation. A fun for me scholarly exploration.
Actually, I'm pretty excited. And utterly, completely fascinated with how we recreate stuff we have not worked through. How we perfectly create what we believe.
There is an adage I subscribe to: whenever I find myself in an energetic situation that repeats itself in more than one place and with more than one person, it's time to look at the common denominator instead of what's "out there." If I complain about everyone ripping me off, if I complain about everyone dumping me, if I whine about liars and cheaters or those many who abandon me... wherever there is a theme, whatever that theme is then it's time to look in the mirror.
I shared the following insight with my women's group the other night: I have had two primary, emotionally committed, live-in relationships. One was for 18 years, one for almost six, now. In both, a primary pattern is that I am extremely stressed out and lost in fear. I lose all my money and I gain weight. And as a result of all that, I lose my libido.*
While there are many other aspects of the two relationships that are nowhere near similar, I cannot ignore this blatant of a pattern in these pretty big (for me) areas.
I mean...why is it that of all the hundreds of men I was talking to at the time I met D...what/why/how did I pick the one that would perfectly recreate the basic theme of my marriage? It's not like we plan this stuff. It's not like he had a neon sign on his forehead or that I interviewed him to make sure he was the perfect match to my unhealed relationship issues.
Why, with all the possible issues available, are these the ones I find myself in again? We could have all sorts of "issues." But we don't. We have these. Other people don't have my relationship issues. They have repeating issues I've never had. These are mine. Perfectly recreated by me with a perfect-for-me partner.
Logically, on some levels I know I would feel better if I left this relationship. Much would be easier for me. However I don't believe this pattern will change if I simply decide to go. It didn't the first time so I have no reason to believe it will this time. How can it when I will simply take myself to the next relationship to recreate it all over again?
And to add furthur juice to this conversation...it hugely amuses and amazes me that when I'm whoring, not only am I happy, but I'm financially taken care of in ways I have NEVER been in a heart-based relationship.
I find that the weirdest thing.
And yet, not. Just confusing.
As we are so blind to ourselves, it's taken me quite awhile to answer the questions I've been asking myself (for the past four years) as to what this pattern is all about. Why...why do I create this? What is my belief here?
Finally, yesterday I had an ah-ha.
I was reading a book. A woman was sharing that she had had four marriages with two men (remarried both, I guess..that was a bit confusing to me). She said that ultimately she left each time because she didn't feel free. She felt confined.
Clickclickclick went the brain. Tinglytingly went the body.
In my early communications with D, I held out on talking about "relationship" because, as I told him, I had two big issues. One was that I was afraid of losing my freedom. I was happy, free, successful and felt alive on many levels. I was afraid of what monogamy would do to me. I was afraid of having to make decisions that involved another's heart and life. I like my alone time. I didn't want the responsibility of another. I also told him that the biggest remaining button/issue I had in all areas of life was around being financially stable.
And yet, not.
I feel free when I'm financially secure. I feel free when I'm fucking whomever I want. I feel free when I don't have to consider anyone in my day to day life, doing what I want, when I want.
And since I, I,Ibelieve that I will lose my freedom in relationship then what better way to create what I believe than losing my money, my juicies (which are returning) and living separate from D?
This is a very good piece, this putting the parts together like this.
Now the only thing I have to do is work on my belief. And see what flows. ____________________________________
*The good news is that this time it hasn't been as long, the fear has changed, there are no kids in the consideration, I have not lost as much money nor have I gained anywhere near the amout of weight. Progress is a good thing. :)