There are definitely things you don’t want to say during sex
Are you trying to be funny?
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven’t you ever done this before?
Just use your finger, it’s bigger.
But many of us find it difficult to say anything during sex. It feels awkward or contrived. Yet, talking sexy before, during, and after intercourse is an erotic element that enhances the overall experience for both spouses.
So how do we do it…that is, talk sexy?
Be authentic in your sex talk.
Sex talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you’ve seen in the movies. You might have this idea that sex talk is something specific. But good sex talk is completely what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your sex talk (e.g. the ravished submissive spouse) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
Find your sex talk voice.
You need to find your own way of talking sex. Your sex talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don’t need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, when your partner doesn’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!
Expand your sex talk vocabulary. I’ll spend some time on this one. Most of us are raised not to swear. However, try saying “Dearest, I need you to accelerate your thrusting motion as I am about to experience orgasm.” Ummmm, not terribly provocative for most! Perhaps, a bit detached for many. If you’re at a loss, create a list of phrases and terms together with which you are both comfortable. I personally don’t have a problem with ‘cock’ or ‘pussy’ in the bedroom. I use it here not for shock value but in an effort to be transparent and to challenge assumptions. We can disagree on what words are best to use. For the purposes of this point, I encourage you to make your own list.
Dirty is a term that has to be defined by context, the intentions and effects invoked by the user and usage. I would avoid terms that are clearly demeaning. I am not a whore, prostitute, or bitch. Such terms may betray the intention of intimacy which is to draw ‘equals’ closer together. Yet, I look at phrases in the Song of Solomon and think, ‘Boy, that must seem dirty to some…’ Enough said…
Practice sex talk when you’re alone.
Start on your own, talking sex while you bathe. Fantasize about having sex with your husband and talking sex to him. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud. This is not acting! This is you adding another dynamic to acts of intimacy that enhance quality and results. Your words should be true and authentically communicate your heart, thoughts and feelings.
Establish ground rules with your husband.
One of the reasons many of us don’t talk sexy is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a spouse. It’s important to set some rules when you’re willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment, anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your husband is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.
Start slow the first time.
Don’t feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with sexy talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like “I love the way your hand feels in my….” Or “Your …feels so good on/in my…” Describe what’s happening and how it feels in your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you’re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you. Experiment with your voice.
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Your husband love your voice! Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage (short, rapid phrases), while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between. Make sexy talking a two way conversation.
Once you’ve taken the risk and initiated talking sexy with your husband, ask him to do the same. It isn’t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of sexy talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn’t already know.
The benefits to being verbally expressive during lovemaking will be tremendous!