It’s Valentine’s Day and whilst some of you are enjoying yourselves, either in your own company, hanging with friends and family, or maybe with a new ’significant other’, some of you will be in slushy mushy hearts hell, reminiscing about V-Day’s gone by where you were with the object of your thoughts (even if it wasn’t all that great) and wonder why you’re not part of a duo on Noah’s relationship ark. Long time readers will know that single or not, I’ve never been big on V-Day (on my personal blog today, I wrote about when I got engaged and considered climbing out of the restaurant window a few minutes later – yes really!) and so are here 10 quick thoughts to empower you to get things in perspective:
1) Better to have loved (possibly foolishly) and lost, than to have held on tight to a poor relationship to the ends of time.
2) Valentine’s Day comes but once a year but the hangover from a dodgy move may last a lot longer. Be careful of being a reactive, short-term thinker without regard to the consequences – this is the very type of thing that we find annoying when we’re on the receiving end of it in dubious relationships. (Read my post on how Mr Unavailable is only thinking about right now.)
3) Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love and there’s no iron clad clause that says that youhaveto be in a couple. Love is love – that’s self-love and love from friends and family. Yes it’s nice to be in a relationship with someone that cares about and loves you, but it’s not so nice to be in a relationship where it is absent. In fact, you won’t have much of a relationship…
4) If loving someone else means that you can’t love you,alwayschoose to love you. Nothing good will come of selling yourself down the river. It’s like making a pact with the devil and at some point you will realise that you’re emotionally bankrupt and as the person is used to getting what they have from you, they’re unwilling to compromise and give you back any respect. (Read my post on what is love and a good relationship)
5) Remember the ‘good times’ but add some perspective by looking at the whole picture. This will ensure that you don’t fall into the trap of using ‘nostalgia’ to make a call, text, turn up on his doorstep in a fur coat and no knickers. And remember, if you’ve done the whole getting back together thing before, ask yourself what will be different this time before you go and throw yourself under the proverbial bus. Remember, relationship insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – ask yourself why you believe that the fact that it’s V-Day should make a difference.
6) Be careful of isolating yourself by being trapped by your feelings. If you’re totally consumed by another person, especially someone who hasn’t treated you that well, you won’t be able to have any perspective. On a day like today, you may think it’s better to be alone and obsessing than it is to be out with other people, even though it may not be in a romantic capacity. All you’re doing is stalling the process and instead you need to work your way through your feelings and deal with any loss or pain that you feel. (Also read my posts on becoming isolated in relationships)
7) Sometimes it’s better to let things be. V-Day is one of those times where if you have a tendency to be laden with expectation, it’ll go up a notch or two. This turns the whole thing into a contrived affair and you communicate the wrong things about yourself. Try not to impose your ideas about the day – you may be pleasantly surprised. Obviously if they consistently don’t treat you well and don’t show you love, care, trust, and respect, then I’d make sure that your expectations are in line with this – don’t expect much, if anything at all. Also, don’t make assumptions like ‘Well if they really loved me, they’d have done X or bought Y’ because nobody is a mindreader.
Be careful of how you use V-Day to benchmark your relationship or your value. In fact, don’t benchmark your relationship based around the effort of just this one day. Be contextual because I’d rather someone consistently treated me well all year round than rolled out the relationship showtunes for one day. Not everyone places the same value on Hallmark days and you might write off someone who actually goes out of their way to show you that they care on many other days.
9) If you’ve already fallen off the saddle today and contacted/met up with/shagged an ex, chalk it up to experience when the glow has warn off. Don’t let it derail you. Sometimes you’ve got to ’suck it and see’, i.e – you could spend a lot of braintime pondering the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s or you can put your hand in the fire, discover that it burns, and move on. If you haven’t read it already, read my ebook, The No Contact Rule or for a full on education on dodgy men, read my other ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
10) Don’t look at being single as that annoying time that passes between assclowns relationships. Yeah you’re not in a relationship but at least you’re not in an illusionary one with someone dodgy. Get on with life and enjoy living because being personally secure and not losing your mind over your relationship status will prevent you from operating out of a negative place. Don’t write yourself off – have faith that there is better out there for you and that in the meantime, you’re going to treat you as you want to be treated. In the meantime, tomorrow is a new day, and don’t disregard your feelings. If you want to cry, cry, and then get back up. You’re human, you love, and you want to be loved, but make sure you don’t have a desperate urge to be loved – it attracts ‘desperate’ types of people that exploit your own lack of self-love.
11) Be real. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it is a duck. Hanging some lovehearts, a card, a dinner, a gift, some sex, or whatever it is off someone who is unworthy of your time doesn’t change the fact that they’re unworthy of your time. If someone doesn’t value you, it’s a sign that you need to move on. Know your value irrespective of who you’re with – it’ll ensure that you don’t keep yourself in bad company and you’ll keep your feet firmly in reality.
12) Tempting as it is to get lost in illusions, you will not get a real relationship with someone who is real if you persist. This is why it is important to be authentic so you can have authentic relationships. If you pretend, it’s a disrespect to yourself and potentially also to them. If you’re not treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect and wondering why someone can’t love you for you, look a bit closer to home and make sure you are being you.
Happy Valentine’s day everybody! xx
My new ebookThe No Contact Ruleis now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, you can also getMr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service