Today, I've been reading a lot about the different types of abuse. I fear that maybe I've become some of those from being abused myself. I'm afraid to admit it to myself because I don't know if I'm playing the "it's all my fault that he abused me" routine in my mind. I wish I could get HIS thoughts out of my head. I left my husband of three years a week ago. He definitely has a creepy personality disorder of some sorts and self medicates with prescription drugs which turn him into a criminal monster. I've been through hell and back a lot of times with this one. He's the overt abuser type. He worked as a federal informant and landed me in witness relocation with him at one point. I'm exhausted. I'm really grateful that I never want to go back to a life like that or with a person like that. I feel like the life was sucked out of me, but I'm extremely motivated to build my life. That's what I've been working on. Just trying to process the thoughts and what I've been through. Coming here and talking to you makes it real. So, thank you for being here for me. Thank you to all of you who have shared your personal stories that make me feel that I am not alone, less afraid. I want to especially thank Susan for creating beauty from her ashes and devoting her life to helping women like us. I can't do it alone. I'm tired of trying to do it alone and my way. It didn't get me anywhere but broke, homeless, and doing things I said I would never do. Many blessings!
First, thank you Susan! I have reviewed the book, recommended it to everyone and wrote Oprah. And, when I get paid I will donate what I can.
I have NOT been doing well. At. All. I've been dealing with depression and was so excited to have an appt. last Friday to go back on meds. Then my son was up all night on Thursday feeling terrible. I had to cancel my appt. and stay home with him on the heels of being told that if I don't bill a min. of 7 hours a day I'll be fired. Then I got a call from my estranged husband and he lost his job...good times.
It seems like everything has gone in waves for me. I feel better, do my work, affirmations even went to an Alanon meeting last Saturday, then BAM the crap hits the fan & I feel overwhelmed all over again.
What I do realize now though is that I've got issues! I keep pining away for some jackass that treated me poorly & I allowed it to happen. The only time I truly put my foot down and said, "enough is enough" is when I caught him cheating. And, he's still with her and I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and I'm just so freakin tired!
A friend told me last night, "I don't know anything about this woman, but what I do know is that she has a crappy BF, and your lucky that it's her and not you!" I know my self esteem has taken a hit, but I had no idea it was as low as it is. I think it's because I got out of an abusive marriage and then slid into a relationship that I thought was great. I wanted to believe in the dream that I could be happy and fulfilled and adored by this person. And, as it turns out, he "it" was a mirage and I didn't want to see it for what it was.
So, why do I still miss him? I suppose because I'm lonely and somewhere inside I didn't believe that I deserved better than I was getting. That's where I am today. Now back to billing.
Today is day 9 of 100% NC. This time I have stayed NC since the moment we broke up. Today is even his birthday and years ago I would've given in and sent a message, NOPE NOT NOW! My emotions are all over the map: mad, pissed sad, overwhelmed, relieved, confused, SCARED, optimistic, shameful. Creepy personality disorder definitely describes my ex. Why then have I gone back again and again for 4.5 yrs for more of the same creepy angry, abusive, addicted behaviors from this weirdo?? I am finally seeing that any brightness, light, love and happiness was mmostly ME bringing it! Trying to show him how to be normal! omg do I have some work to do. I know that even days that dont feel like it I have come a long way from where I was when I found this blog in 2008, and for that I am grateful!
Thank you for sharing. You have inspired me to do "NC". Is it breaking the policy if the BH emails you and you just read it?
Creepy is an understatement I think. I know you what you mean about "trying to show him how to be normal".
It's exhausting trying to understand why someone doesn't get basic concepts like telling the truth, not screwing someone over, not stealing, etc. It's even freakier when they have this narcissistic attitude about it and never change. But when they see that you might leave, they cry crocodile tears. When that doesn't work, they will say something that hits so home in your heart that you feel guilty and stay because "it's not that bad" and "he will change, he's just had a rough childhood" Blah blah blah! It's an endless cycle!
Thank you for sharing. I'm right there with you and I'm sorry for what you went through.
Strange, isn't it? How we are so loving and so giving to the point of not believing that we deserve better? I never realized that either until now and I'm angry at myself for allowing any of it! I thought that being married meant that I had to put up with everything until death do us part. I was seriously mistaken.
Hang in there. I am here with you and hurting with you. We can do this. YOU CAN do this!