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Raw Changes

Posted Aug 11 2012 9:15am

Where do I even begin?

First, I’d like to apologize. I am so sorry for disappearing and for not sharing my heart with you this whole time.

I’ve been missing from the blogosphere and social media world for quite some time now. Some of you have questioned; others may have given up on me and moved on to blogs that are updated more often—and I don’t blame you one bit.

I didn’t go missing because I don’t have passion, or because I got tired of writing, or because I don’t care about y’all – ‘cause y’all are FANTABULOUS! And you’re always, always close to my heart. I could reach right through this computer screen and hug you! What? I could!

There are several reasons I’ve been missing:

I became overwhelmed.Things were going so well and I was SO close to really succeeding beyond my wildest dreams and I totally freaked out. I mean, I’m a writer. I wasn’t comfortable with thoughts of maybe being interviewed on a radio station or posting a lot of YouTube videos or meeting y’all in person. I was such a hermit that the mere thought of anything that would put me outside of my comfort zone was a giant red flag I ran away from. I regret that now. Look how far I could have been by now. And just imagine where this blog could be?!

I made wrong choices.Yes, I took raw foodism way too far (for me) and came to a place where I was literally living 100% on raw food not for myself, for my happiness, but because I felt like I owed it to my readers and peers. Sure, that’s nonsense. I see it clearly now. But back then, when I felt SO ashamed if I had cooked oatmeal or roasted nuts… it was a very big deal to me.

It wasn’t healthy for me in any way. I tried to live like so-and-so raw foodist or so-and-so vegan and it just didn’t work for me. I love farm fresh eggs. I could eat them DAILY. So, to deprive myself of that… It just didn’t work. I enjoy honey… not every day –but sometimes, in tea or oatmeal or a recipe. It’s yummy and delish.

The pressure I put on myself was uncalled for. I felt like I had to eat only raw foods because you all expected it of me. I’m sure that isn’t true. But it is what I thought at the time.

I also made other wrong choices but those are a story for another day.

I got married. Yes, I married someone who loves meat, soda, Reese’s and Twinkies. You can probably guess that I started not only eating eggs and honey but also different meats and over time more and more processed foods and soda now and then. Don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE whole foods . But I went from the 100% raw food extreme to the other end of the spectrum with more meat, eggs, and some processed foods and less whole foods. (I’ve already put a halt to the processed foods and my intake of meat and am making my way back up the whole foods ladder.)

I gained weight. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and SO mad at myself. I lost about 150 pounds that I kept off for YEARS. And then: BOOM! The fat starts creeping on me, enveloping my once-slimmer body. Where did it go? It’s hidden beneath the layers now. I’ve still managed to keep off just right at 100 pounds or so. But that once vibrant, cheerful, proud Raw Juice Girl that you all fell in love with, now feels defeated by this fat and humiliated that I EVER allowed myself to re-gain a chunk of what took me years to lose, and that I had kept off through maintenance for years. Hard on myself? Yes, because I knew better. And I let it happen.

I’ve caused pain. There have ups and downs in my personal life. Big, significant ups and downs. The kind of stuff that takes a realtoll on the old mind, body, emotions. I have made choices that hurt people I care about deeply – to the point of almost no return. I did not set out to hurt these people that I cherish, but it happened. I can’t take it back. It will never be erased or forgotten. All I can do is ask God for forgiveness and ask them for forgiveness and try to rebuild bridges and build new ones to a better day. You know who you are. Joy cometh in the morning. The sunlight is beaming in; it’s a brand-new day! I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and body and I am so honored to have received your forgiveness and love.

I lost myself. Raw Juice Girl became lost beneath the layers of emotion and fat and guilt and shame and pain and…. so much more. Sure, I have excuses. My juicer broke. I couldn’t find the time to do this or that. I was craving a Snickers and ate it. I didn’t know how to fix problems that were beyond my control (and some within) so I did what the emotional eater I am does, I ate. I cried. I prayed. I sunk deeper. I became so lost that I wondered if God – or anyone – heard me. I felt like a little girl, all alone.

I was giving up; I was dying inside. I didn’t think there were any more opportunities for me. I was afraid I’d missed the boat one too many times. That the people I had hurt were gone forever. That the opportunities I had let slip through my fingers vanished, never to appear again. That I had fallen so far off the raw food wagon that it was too high to climb back up again, and that the wagon had left me in its dust.

I was afraid. Of what? That this blog I started out of a deep, great desire to help others who longed for hope in the still hours of the night as I once had, searching the computer for answers, for inspiration, for a little glimpse of beauty to hold on to so they could make it ‘till dawn breaks, had died, that it would no longer be here for you to grab ahold of. But it is not dead. It’s very much alive! It is still full of passion and hope and my dreams aren’t dead—they’ve just been lying dormant in the reservoir of my heart and soul, slowly making their way to the top for the raw birth that is in the midst.

I’m coming back! That’s right. I’m going to lose this fat one pound at a time. I’m going to hold my chin up and if that radio interview opportunity comes, I’m going to be a big girl and go for it. If TV opportunity comes, I’m going to find something to hold on to and try to stand up. Sure, you may not see the slim Raw Juice Girl. If it happens sooner than later, you’ll see a chunky me. The slimmer Raw Juice Girl is under here somewhere… but I still have the same heart! I’m going to take a deep breath. And I’m going to go for these opportunities with all my heart!

I’m 37! Today is my birthday and I anticipate an AMAZING year. I can’t wait for all that it holds in store for me. I’ve already received an out-of-this-world early birthday gift:

I’ve been asked to co-author a book with raw juice and smoothie recipes that will also be filled to the brim with inspiration and encouragement for all of you precious souls who crave the healing power of raw, living liquids. And you’d better believe I’m going to write that baby and promote it like mad!

I’ve learned that beauty truly is and always has been all around me, in me, and shining through me. And that success comes from stepping outside my comfort zone. It’s going to be a great ride! Isn’t that right, Mysti Reutlinger ?

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