To those of you who blog: Did you every not know what to write about? I love this blog. I love that it gives me the forum to express my insanity. I love that it gives me the opportunity to help others who are going through or have gone through the hell that is infertility and miscarriage. But right now I feel as though I have nothing to say.
I think I'm drawing a blank because I've reached a new calm in this pregnancy. Nothing is going on. I have symptoms which calm me. I don't really have access to health care professionals who have the ability to drive me insane with just a twinkle in their eye because my insurance hasn't come through yet. I spend a majority of my time on self-imposed bed rest as a precaution so life in general just isn't all that interesting.
All of this is new territory for me. I was diagnosed with moderately severe depression and general anxiety disorder back in 2002. Last year after the first miscarriage, my diagnosis was upped to severe depression and general anxiety disorder with anxiety attacks. I have been off my medication due to trying to conceive and pregnancy since November of last year. I should be completely out of my mind with anxiety. But bizarrely enough, I'm not.
I know that I only have 50% chance of carrying this baby to term, but what is worrying going to help? I've spent the last 9 months worrying about the first bad ultrasound, my dropping betas, the D&C, the trying to get pregnant again, the toxoplasmosis, the hemorrhage, the gush of blood, the second bad ultrasound, the betas dropping again, the natural miscarriage, the trying to get pregnant yet again, the faint positives, the lack of health insurance, etc. Worrying constantly didn't help me get a baby out of the last two pregnancies.
Don't get me wrong, I still worry. I worry when I find out that the soda I believe to be caffeine free isn't. Did you know orange soda isn't caffeine free? I found out after I finished my second bottle. I worry about if my meat is cooked completely through. I worry if the water in the shower is too hot. I worry about a bunch of stuff. It just happens to be stuff I can control. Maybe that's what's keeping me sane.
I guess I have just been through so much heartache these past 9 months, that I've been forced to start looking at things rationally. I love my baby. I would give anything in the world for it to be born healthy. But I realize that there's not much I can do to make that happen. I've accepted the fact that there is a good chance I'll have another miscarriage. I'll be heartbroken yet again, but at least the doctors will then be willing to investigate as to why I keep having miscarriages. I'm not a silver-lining type of gal, but there it is. When this is all over, I'll either have a baby or answers as to why I've been miscarrying. That's better than what I got out of the last 2 pregnancies.