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Why Intended Parents Want What They Want

Posted Jan 12 2009 12:00am
Most intended parents don't think that they are hard to please. What they don't always realize is that the traits they value most in themselves and in their friends may not be found in abundance among egg donors.

What they want is someone they can relate to. But, what if the intended parents both have PHDs from Ivy league Universities and come from a long line of Ivy League graduates? What if they need a sperm donor, too? Oh yes, and both donors need to be tall with blond hair and blue eyes. What if the intended parents are of royal heritage? What if the intended parents are from a wealthy family in a country where third party fertility is forbidden and, due to their families religious beliefs, they need you to search back three generations to make sure everyone has brown eyes and brown hair and the donor herself must have type O blood?

I have worked with all of the situations I've outline above, as well as many more, and in each case I was able to find what the intended parents were looking for.

Every intended parent has a different and moving story. In each case what they want is the same...a child. Often intended parents who have high expectations are judged for setting their hopes too high or trying to make a designer baby. These parents will love the child they are blessed with. What they hope for most is a child who will feel at home in their family, not to feel that somehow they are different. Just like on Sesame Street, "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong." Everyone knows what it is like to feel, at one time or another, that they don't belong. What parent wouldn't want to protect their child from that (or any other) painful feelings?

The most important thing for intended parents is to love their child for who they are. As I mentioned, we all have our moments of feeling that we may not belong or that we are different from the rest of our family just by virtue of who we are and regardless of our genetic makeup. When we are loved, we feel we belong. When our children are different from us, we need to celebrate their uniqueness regardless of our child's genetic origins.
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