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What IF: Three Years Later

Posted Apr 22 2013 2:30pm

This was me three years ago:

I’s funny to go back and watch this video, to think about all the things that are different in my life now. The fact that we own a home instead of living in student housing where this was filmed. The three pairs of glasses I’ve gone through since then. Remembering, very distinctly, getting sushi with a friend after Larry and I shot this on Boston Common – and now that friend is due with her first child this August.

The pain I was in at the time I made this video… I was at a point in my life where I was very ready to let the grief of infertility and POF consume me, but something about that year’s National Infertility Awareness Week Bloggers Unite project from RESOLVE resonated with me, moved me in such a creative direction that I felt almost compelled to make this video.

A lot has changed in three years.

When I posted this to Facebook, someone commented how they already had two years of trying under their belt when this video came out and three years later… still nothing. I am incredibly grateful that our journey has only lasted four years, because it’s comments like those that remind me – it could have been a lot longer.

And to everyone who still is on that journey – every day is another step to your resolution. Whether that’s pregnancy, adoption, surrogacy or resolving without parenting – there IS resolution. The grace and finesse is in learning to adapt and shift over time to a resolution that makes the most sense for you: emotionally, spiritually, financially.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin

It’s weird going back and watching or reading your own work sometimes. I see all the things I would have done differently with this video (the biggest change being turn OFF the damn Ken Burns effect in iMovie). Sadly, the original, editable video file is no more, lost on a hard drive that died over the past three years.

It is an imperfect, moving snapshot of a time in my life that was at once painful and hopeful.

Gil posted this excellent, thought-provoking question to me when I shared this video again on Facebook today:

Is there anything you would say to the Keiko of 3 years ago, if you had the chance?

There are a LOT of things I would tell myself from three years ago, related to infertility and otherwise. (Some important non-infertility advice: don’t lose business cards. Don’t let your boss get you down. Social media is a legitimate profession. Get yourself a WordPress self-hosted blog sooner.)

But I think the most important thing I would tell Keiko of Three Years Ago:

“You will be a changed woman, some of it at a great cost to your psyche, ego and heart – but you will come out a stronger, more empowered woman for it.

And that what you’re doing will make a difference.

Just you wait and see.”

I know this video has meant a lot to a lot of people – quite literally around the world. I am still in awe of and still humbled by that fact.

Online communication as tools for hope and healing, be they videos, social media, blogs or otherwise – it truly is a powerful, connective force. It’s this video that ultimately paved the way for The Infertility Voice three years ago… I just didn’t realize it at the time. It’s the response from this community that motivated and pushed me to create this space as you see it today.

And so to each and every person who ever liked, clicked play and shared this video…

Thank you.

Thank you for being a part of phenomenon that has shaped the person I’ve become today, something that has left a legacy of empowered hope and strength about infertility in its wake.

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week .

There’s lots going on all over the web, including RESOLVE’s Blogger’s Unite project this year, focusing on the theme Join the Movement . Learn more there and add your voice to the chorus to get yourself in the running for RESOLVE’s Best Blog Award. I’ll be adding my Join the Movement post mid-week.

If you’ve been tagging along for the last 3 or more years with me, following me through blog and domain name changes… what’s your journey been like?

Share your story in the comments.

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