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Tired of the fight.

Posted Aug 04 2008 12:00am
I'm tired. the waiting, hoping what has it been for? Sometimes I wonder. Why hasn't God answered my prayer? I wish I knew. I got this in an email a while back. It's called your birth verse. Mine was : Matthew 7:7 NIV
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
It's from When I saw "my" verse I thought, it's a sign that I'm not praying hard enough, trusting enough. But I've been asking, seeking and knocking, and it seems that there is no answer. Just saying that sounds Faithless, mocking, wrong. But sometimes it's how I feel. Dh brought up adoption the other day. Yesterday upon us talking about it some more I cried my eyes out. For whatever reason, thinking of adoption feels like a death. Death of a dream, of hope. Like it's giving up. On one hand it breaks my heart, way down deep. But is it God's way of opening the door to me? Is this what I'm supposed to do? I dont' know. I'm so torn. I want to be excited about it, not sad. I want to have hope. But most of all i want to be a mom and i need to really think and pray about if this is the way I was meant to be one.

I'll never give up the hope of getting pregnant. No matter what i do. But maybe our hearts can be full, so full of love for this child that may be out there waiting for us that the frustration and pain of almost 10 years of trying will be washed away. Maybe this is what God wants for me and all I need to do is trust. I wish my faith was stronger and trusting were easier.

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