But then I f* cking lost it. I guess I have had a few hours to decompress but this morning I lost it. I was ready to get on here and write the most lashing, expletive filled post that I could. I was running errands and I had this whole rage post written in my head. I was ready to lose friends if they were to have found this blog and read what was written about them.
Anyway, after (some) calming down I am ready to write about what happened. My disclaimer to anyone who may stumble across this blog who knows me, J, or anyone that I am writing about, if you feel the need to be a complete tattle-tale "GO AHEAD." I will not be your friend anymore. Simple as that. Also I will apologize before hand to anyone who might read about themselves. I am sorry, I am a bitter not-pregnant woman in the land of pregnant women. I have had struggles that no one in my real life has gone through and I AM F* CKING BITTER AND PISSED about it. So if I upset you, please come and talk to me about it and I will hopefully be able to explain where I am coming from.
Here's the story...
Around MardiGras we got a phone call from a friend (D) who doesn't live anywhere near us. He had heard about my surgery and wanted to see how I was doing. Well you have to know this friend we were pleasantly surprised. After a brief synopsis of how we were doing he tells us that him and his wife have decided to start trying. Awesome, f* cking awesome.
This morning we get a text message from a friend as a heads up - just saw on FB that D is going to be a dad. What are you f* cking kidding me? Seriously, I mean really??? Life isn't fair, I KNOW THIS. But can we have one thing go our way? Can I be normal? Can people just stop trying until we are pregnant? (I know that is absolutely ridiculous) I really do love them and they are the greatest couple in the world ~~ remember I am a BITTER non-pregnant woman. I am really happy for them. They will make great parents ( I am just really bitter... ). I am not pissed off at them AT ALL just at me and my one-less fallopian tube.
So I decide to look at FB earlier today, God WHY do I do this? Am I just a major sucker for punishment? Yup, I guess I am. I have noticed since January I have cut back on my FB time significantly (now it is spent reading other people's blogs). Everytime I got on, someone who was pregnant was talking about it or someone was talking about how awesome their kid is. So I realized I did have some control over this self-inflicted pain.
Well just on the updates, there was a high school friend (I didn't even know she was pregnant) put "It's a Boy!" - awesome, yea! so happy for you...
Scroll further down, a college friend "I find out in 2 weeks if we are having a girl or boy." - God didn't even know she was pregnant either. awesome.
That is when I shut down FB and started crying. Not good. I will get over it, just like I always do. I will handle this and I guess be stronger (even though I feel extremely weak today). I will listen to everyone else and J and I will be stronger. Yea, I guess we have to be because we are being thrown into things that our friends can't even fathom. So we have two options: 1) This could tear us apart or 2) we do grow stronger. I choose the latter. Unfortunately there are no other options. There is no real middle ground. I can see how IF can cause people to grow apart of you are not "in it for the long haul." Shit, this is hard. These emotions and feelings of failure are REAL. The stress is real.