Yesterday I had my first ultrasound and the tech could not find a sac. A couple of things are possible - either it arrested a week ago or I have an ectopic - though an ectopic seems most likely. I go back Monday for another appointment and we will likely stop the drugs.

I'm just so broken right now. Absolutley broken. All I can do is cry. Why can this not just happen for me? I can't imagine doing this again at this point. I'm so very exhausted from all of this.

There was a point before we decided on donor egg that I knew I would be ok without bearing children. I've always wanted to adopt and I would have been satisfied with that. But now - after knowing there was a life growing inside of me I don't know how to reconcile this. I was ok before. This is just so cruel.

I believe there is a loving God that will one day help me understand all of this but right now I have to wonder where he is. Why I can't be blessed with a child - when it's the only desire in my heart. I've always said that I know I can't be the person God wants me to be without having gone through this - but I'm afraid I won't be much of anything but a broken, sad, bitter woman when all of this is said and done.

I just don't know how to be ok this time......