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The Struggle

Posted Jan 10 2013 10:51pm
This post has been in my head. It needs to come out so here it is.. I am Happy with my baby. I'm so happy in fact that I was telling my mom the other day that I couldn't ask for more. I...couldn't. She is so wonderful, brings us so much joy. After waiting and waiting for a baby, we got her. Couldn't ask for better. I am always was so frustrated at people, Mama's that are still unhappy after finally getting pregnant or adopting and getting their miracle, their baby. When you have nothing, be HAPPY that you got what you asked for, be happy for your little blessing. We infertiles  can't be like the fertile myrtles that can pine for another baby and two seconds later be pregnant AGAIN..... We ARE different. We had to work, and suffer and struggle for the baby(ies) we have. We have to be thankful.
I was at peace before we got Alana.....I was happy. I wasn't perfectly happy, I wasn't satisfied with my life, wasn't satisfied with couplehood forever. We wanted two to turn into three......love to multiply. So though I was at peace, I wanted more. Then came Alana, Happiness grew, love multiplied....the peace I already had........allowed me to fully appreciate and be thankful for her. I didn't feel like I needed to have another right away, though I would have taken it of course. But now, when we are looking for another person to come into our family I struggle. I struggle because I am totally happy the way we are now. I struggle because Alana needs a friend.

There it is.

I am fine with just her. But I watch her sometimes and I feel sorry for her. She needs a sibling. A friend. Besides Mama and Daddy of course.
That Picture is exhibit one She set mickey up and was talking to him and throwing a ball to him...... She also invited the Ipad app Ta.lk.i.ng.. To.m to go play outside with her... I know that lots of kids are only children, they grow up well rounded and fine. But I had a sibling, Grant had many and we want that for Alana. I want her to have a best friend here at home. A sister or brother. A playmate. Someone to get in trouble with. Someone to argue with. So that is the struggle.....If you followed my rambling thoughts. I am happy, at peace with my one amazing child. I'm SO thankful for her. And I'm sad for her. I want her to have a playmate. It's a struggle that goes on in my brain back and forth several times a day. It is unreal to me, a girl (me) who told people I wanted 10 kids and my goal in life was to be barefoot and pregnant could be so happy and fulfilled with ONE. But I am. At the same time, I want more for HER. I want her to have everything, including a sibling.  Please pray for us. Pray that our wait isn't much longer. Pray for those still waiting. I never, never forget what it feels like to have none. To wait for life to be more. I never take what I have for granted.
Please God never let me.

On a slight subject change. We have had sickness in this house since Thanksgiving when we moved. Right after Christmas Alana got a Croupy cough. It was a VERY rough couple of nights with NO sleep which cause me to get sick. But on one of those nights, when Alana started coughing, Grant went to check on her and didn't come back down. When I went to check on them about 20 min later this is what I found..
Moments like this are what life is made of....
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