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The Bitch is Back

Posted Jun 18 2009 1:51pm
Too much info here but hey - if I'm being open I mgiht as well be open, right?

I got my bleed today. I was shocked at how heavy this was and also shocked that it came so quickly since my progesterone has been so high. I didn't have any bleeding through the miscarriage though and I've been really sick - so I think my body just needed to "cleanse".

This brought a new wave of emotion. It felt a bit like the gavel slamming down with the verdict of my miscarriage. I keep looking at the clots to see if I can see "it". I know this entirely irrational - entirely - but I do it anyway. (I also know that sounds disgusting - but I'm being open, remember?) Of course - every clot is "it" and I cry for 5 minutes and then talk myself off of the ledge.

I do feel so terrible. The Bitch (I am fond of the word Bitch - it's my own personal pet name - silly bitch - but AF is The Bitch) was rearing her head last night and I totally didn't get it. I was plain wicked to my husband. And I do mean wicked - just ask him. Poor guy. He can't possibly understand how The Bitch possessed me without my knowledge and caused me to be evil. I defintely owe him some sweetness.

Of course - it's hard to conjure up sweetness when I've been in sweats sitting in the exact same spot on my couch for the past 3 days. I've done confernece calls, written pages and pages of worthless crap, argued with politicians and pundits and caused my dog to apparently have grave concern for me as she hasn't left my side - not even for my ritual bi-hourly trip to the potty.

I thought I might try to cook dinner tonight - but that can wait for tomorrow. My goal tomorrow - change into new sweats and actually make something for dinner - I can only feed my husband canned soup and sandwiches so many nights....

I know this will get better....
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