Tomorrow, we leave for Connecticut and on Thursday we will dine with family friends. We did the same thing last year, but that was a lifetime ago. Back then, my mind set was completely different. I was completely depressed.In spite of the scrumptous comfort foods our friend made for us, I could barely eat anything for Thanksgiving. Last November makred the end of my three year TTC journey; and the feelings of despair and failure were overwhelming. I fought the good fight with my infertility and I lost.
I was hopeless.
The day before Thanksgiving last year Nadia and I visited the acquarium, and I have to admit, it did bring a smile to my face. It was inspiring to see all of the animals romping around, carefree. I was especially happy with the penguins because somehow they made me feel better.
As you know, penguins–gay penguins– have been known to adopt on more than one occasion and, somehow, because of that fact, seeing them in Mystic, brought a smile to my face. After we toured the entire acquarium, Nadia went to the gift store and bought me three stuffed animals- two big penguins and a baby penguin and I have to admit that I’ve found a great deal of comfort in those stuffed animals, unlike any others.
What a difference a year makes.
All of those feelings of despair really feel so far away. Yes, sure I still can be caught off guard by someone announcing a pregnancy out of the blue or saying things like, “and we weren’t even trying” or “it was our first time and we just got lucky.” I’m also triggered by what seem to be incessant adverstisements on the benefits of breastfeeding here in the City (another post for another time), but for the most part, the demons have quieted down. I’ve found peace. Peace with my infertilty, the stench of failure, the arguements with Nadia that almost ripped us apart, and peace with our decision to abandon the ttc and to adopt.
I have the most wonderful son in the world.My profound love for him, coupled with my newfound serenity, are blessings I am truely be thankful for.