So, Nadia asked me what my New Year’s resolution would be for 2010 and I told her I had none.
“What?” she said, “you are the most goal oriented person I know.”
“Yeah, well, 2009 didn’t work so well for me so I not going down that road this year. No resolutions, less disappointments, you know?” I quipped.
“What are you talking about?” She countered.
“Well, I really wanted to get pregnant in 2009 and I didn’t.”
“Yes, but that was completely out of your control. Getting pregnant is not a resolution.”
And you know what? She’s right. And I need to let it go. At least, I need to let go of the self-blame that has grown out of my infertility.
My infertility is completely out of my control. My failures are not reflections of me as a person. My infertility is completely out of my control. My failures are not relfections of me as a person…
Now I just have to say those two sentences to myself every day 20x at a fast pace.
If I review the last decade, it was actually very good. I came out. Feel in love. Got married. Bought a condo. Enrolled in seminary.
In the context of all of my accomplishments throughout the decade, my infertility does not loom quite so large. I know that 2010, will have a lot of ups and downs but I’m confident that this new decade will bring the child that Nadia and I were meant to have.