I know that my blog has not had a decidedly spiritual tone in the past and my posts are going to seem a bit out of place – but that’s simply reflective of this battle I’ve had with infertility, myself and my faith.
The hardest part for me through all that is infertility has been reconciling my faith with this disease. I've always believed that the deepest desires of our heart are placed their by God. Of course - some qualifiers should be put in place to check those desires - are they godly; what is the driving force- understanding why you desire something particular to ensure at the core the motives are truly good; not for selfish gain, etc etc.
The difficult part, for me, has been the fact that the one true desire of my heart is to be a mother - and I believe for mostly good and noble reasons. This is also the same for my husband. But - here we are. I'm left to wonder just where is God?
I simply can not change my belief that the deepest dreams or desires we have are laid there by the hand of God – to believe otherwise just doesn’t make sense in relation to all that I know God to be. Our vision for realizing those dreams, I am learning, is often different than God’s, however. After all – he doesn’t just give us a dream and check us off the list as completed just to move on to the next person.
In the process, for some of us, of even learning that we have a dream we get a glimpse of God and this grand story He is writing. We learn that we have a purpose and a role and we begin to shift our eyes toward a new source of significance. We begin to mold the core of who we are to more align with our dreams to enable fulfillment. That should inevitably leads us closer to God, if our dream has been given by Him.
Many of us – and I am a perfect example – rely only on ourselves – our own endurance, strength, intelligence and skill to move closer to fulfillment of our dream. But that’s not how it is supposed to be. We’ve gotten off course. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” This verse is quoted so frequently and so often with empty intent behind it that I became numb to it. I didn’t give it the time and thought it requires. I, alone, can’t fulfill my dream in all the glory and splendor that God has planned by myself – I have to rely on Him.
I do not think that our attempts at IVF were wrong or trying to by-pass God’s will. There are plenty of people out there who try to make us feel guilty when we pursue infertility treatments – I promise I am not turning into one of those. I know that only God can give life regardless of the technology behind it and I knew that through every cycle – which was the root of my faith dilemma. But – this is God making my path straight, isn’t it?
God had to close every door for me to get me here. I had to use up all that I had in my own arsenal before I would stop and look for His vision of the dream He’s given me.
And so I wait. I am waiting for His direction. I don’t know how it will come but I know it will come. I know what is on my heart and I know that I have to wait for my husband’s heart to be changed. I believe that’s already begun.
Micah 7:7 (Amplified Bible) “But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.”