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Recipe for loss of faith

Posted Jan 05 2010 12:00am
Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend anyone with my opinions so please do not take offense. I write from my own experiences and with the intent to share and explain my thoughts and feelings.

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I don't know what it is about loosing a baby for the first time. It seems to anchor your religous/spiritual/dogmatic faith. You believe that there was an ultimate plan for the event that you just aren't privy to understand. Trust me, I know, I've been there. You evolve spiritually to the place you think you need to be and learn whatever lessons you think God is trying to teach you.

Then comes your next attempt and you steel yourself for the long haul and believe with all your heart, body, and soul (note I didn't say mind) that it won't happen again because you are now spiritually diligent and have faith that your all-loving god knows you need this rainbow baby to complete your healing.

But then for some, like me, tradgedy happens again and then you know it was all bullshit. You cling at first to all the old spiritual motions you are familiar with (praying, believing, spiritual cliches, etc) without really feeling their comfort anymore.

So when I miscarried again yesterday, it felt like the same old drill all over again. I was 7 weeks. It started suddenly and unexpectedly Sunday evening and was practically complete by Monday morning. During this miscarriage in the angst of pain (cramping, nausea, grief, etc), I found myself wanting to cry out for something magical to fix it all. But then I remembered that we only have each other. I can certainly understand others' needs to seek comfort in those religious beliefs, and it provides that comfort for so many people, but I am at the point where I know that I can only find that comfort with my physical companions rather than an imagined being.

Medically, we think this was just another fluke thing that happened. Since we hadn't had a chance yet to do the first ultrasound, we don't know for sure really if there was a heartbeat and if this was caused by the clotting factor. Although I do have the feeling that we probably wouldn't have seen a heartbeat.

I asked the dr at my appointment yesterday when is the first ultrasound done, and she said 6 weeks which is different than what the nurse said of 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get in my initial 6 week OB visit at 6 weeks because the office schedule was jam packed with appointments because of the shortened holiday weeks.

Because of this experience, I've decided that I'm tired of being pushed around and made to accommodate their schedules. No more misses nice girl. My history demands compassion and accommodation and I'm not going to take no for an answer anymore. I will say that based on my experience yesterday, I am thankful I found this OB. She was very compassionate and accommodating fitting in my ad hoc appt spur of the moment and even going so far as making an exception and doing an ultrasound herself without me having to ask her.

Most of the patients in these practices have not gone through the events we have, and I'm not going to care anymore if I offend an office worker (no matter how nice they are) because I'm the one who has to live with the emotional reprocussions. Of course I'm not going to be belligerent about it. I'll do it in a nice way, but I will be persistent and ask to speak to the dr directly about my concerns.

Anyway, I am so thankful for everyone's concern and words and deeds of comfort and compassion. It doesn't fix the problem, but it does make it easier to heal.

-- Post From My iPhone
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