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Posted Jan 04 2009 12:00am
Ugh! I've got too much crap rolling around in my head. How long will it take to purge some of the frustration and clutter to get to the girl I know is in there. I used to be clever and funny. That was before I met my new friend Lupron. Oh, what a good, good friend indeed. HA! Lupron is a traitor to my body. Thank goodness I get to cycle without it this time. It was too easy. My old RE always said that you couldn't do IVF without Lupron. My new one....I just mentioned what a horrifically difficult time I had on the drug and he says, "Okay, we'll just suppress BCP's!" It was so easy. I really credit Lupron with the failure of FET#1. I was such a complete mess. No living being was going to be attaching itself to that crazy woman's uterus.

I've been a lump on a log today. I had 3 glasses of wine last night and it gave me a bit of a hangover. Sad really, isn't it? When you go 3 years without alcohol, that's what happens. It actually doesn't even take 3 glasses. I get a headache after only 2 glasses of wine these days. The quest for baby had changed me in so many ways that I'll probably be realizing new ones for the next 30 years. So today I hung out on the couch with my cats. Not a bad way to spend a day.

I woke up at 4 am with the anxiety of a new cycle bouncing around in my head. I want to do it. I'm scared to do it. I'm scared not to do it. Hell, it appears that I'm just scared. Every time we get close I start getting really afraid of actually having a baby. Even while I was pregnant, I was terrified of the actuality of it. I suppose every pg woman is. You'd think that weeks of poking yourself with needles and loading your body full on hormones would prepare you. I mean really, you're doing all of this to get pg! Then you are and OH SHIT! It's the happiest, most wonderful, most terrifying thing that can ever happen to a human. Oh, my goodness! That phone call when I found out that I was pg. That's what I need to be thinking about now; while I'm nervous about cycling. The pure unadulterated happiness that I felt for the 4 weeks that I knew that my body was growing a sweet, precious baby. Oh, it ended too, too soon, but it was the sweetest time of my life. I wouldn't give up that experience for anything. Even though I miscarried, it made all of the pain and suffering worth it. And it shall be worth it again.

Ladies and gentlemen: I am going to do another fresh IVF cycle. And I will not fear (okay, I will, but I won't let it slow me down). Aunt Flow, please come for a visit so that I may get this show on the road!
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