I discovered something the other day. Brad dropped me off at home and took LB for a drive so I could have a little quiet time to myself. I realized about a week ago that my quiet time is close to zero. Dangerously close to zero.
It was an accident - the time last week - when I found myself alone with no baby and no friends for about an hour. I didn't quite know what to do with myself. It was the first time in over a year that I was completely alone. There have been nap times where I wasn't tired enough to sleep, but there is always the sense that it might end any time. I have met up with friends for non-baby time, but the drive is rarely more than 10 minutes and often less. Usually I turn on the radio because it is a chance to play my music as loudly as I want.
Actually, I have tried the quiet time thing once or twice before, now that I think about it. Perhaps my hormones are changing because I am pregnant, but it was very hard not to feel the pull of LB. Even though I trusted who she was with, I felt I needed to be with her at a very instinctual level. I wasn't really able to be in the moment.
But last week I almost made it and it shifted my awareness enough to realize I need to find more time to myself.
So Brad dropped me off. I had decided that I would have cherry pie with ice cream while I read a book. As I got the pie and ice cream ready, I started to notice how peaceful I was feeling. Peaceful and centered in a way I haven't been in a very long time. The house was quiet as if nothing could disturb it. Just perfect in a way I can't describe.
I sat down on the front porch with my book and pie and ice cream and realized it was too much. I needed simplicity. I needed it. There was no one who might need me at a moment's notice. There was no conversation to pay attention to and no decisions to be made. There were no distractions except the ones I created.
So I put the book away. Then I slowly ate the ice cream and savored every bite. Then I ate the cherry pie, discovering that the best bites had crust or cherry, not both. Simple. Perfect.