A, your name means "Boundless" it is beautiful beyond measure, as are you!
I hear, in your words and see in your eyes the heartbreak and frustration that you have over your birth. And you know what, that is healthy, and that is ok. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
On the same token, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that you truly did everything that you could. EVERYTHING! You worked through 6 days of labor and something wasn't allowing him to come down. You were active when you should have been, restful when you should have been. You worked hard to get him into an anterior position and you worked tirelessly! You only had any interventions in the last 12 hours of your labor. I am truly so very proud of how tenacious, hard working, dedicated, loving, and strong you are and were.
I know I mentioned this to you before, but I want to remind you
“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers - strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength” - Barbara Katz Rothma
The process of labor and birth is to teach us about letting go... letting go of our plans, our intentions, and letting things happen as they will. Throughout your motherhood, Om's life, you will be asked continuously to give in and let happen. Our first chance to practice this concept is in labor. I don't know if they will ever find a reason for your cesarean, but I know that you did everything 'right', and you can rest in knowing that.
I am so so sorry that we couldn't all get you the birth that you so wanted and deserved... the one that Om wanted and deserved. I wish that there was something we could have done to change the way things happened. But... BUT....
You are still a powerful, amazing, strong, resilient, tenacious, smart, resourceful, and educated mama - NEVER doubt that. You showed that to me through 6 days of labor, 65 hours of sleeplessness, 5 days of back-labor, 12 hours of pitocin, and 114 hours of non-stop emotional, mental, and physical labor. You made so many difficult choices, navigated such a long and arduous road, and you came out on the other side embracing "Om" - the absolute, the everything - beginning, duration, and dissolution of the universe!
This, if nothing else, was your calling. I love you A. I wish so much love and peace for you and your family.