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On Inevitability: Contemplating BFPs, Blogging in the Limelight and Necessary Naïveté

Posted Aug 02 2012 1:25am

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN.

In that regard, I’m banking on the inevitable. While I remain a realist: that yes, our first shot at IVF might not work – I must remain positive. I must envision success. I must live and breathe as if I was pregnant right now. I am, in a very literal sense, expectant.

Expectant that this will work, in its own time, and remaining hopeful that means the first time.

I’m not putting pressure on myself, as much as it might sound otherwise. As Tracey noted in her reply to my post yesterday :

I think your goals are great, but hope you will be kind to yourself if you find that you’re not able to meet them all. You sound like me and I know when I set many big goals in the face of a major life event, I can be very hard on myself and feel like a failure if I don’t meet them all.

Good catch, Tracey. It’s true: I don’t want to be so strict and rigorous with myself that G-d forbid if this doesn’t work, I’m kicking and cursing myself for not eating well enough, not exercising enough.

But right now, in this moment: I have to assume that it will work. That I will become pregnant. That by this time next year, I’ll be a new mom.

As someone who dallies in superstition , these are not easy things to type. But these words, these beliefs are necessary to this process of aligning my body and mind into a place of positive visualization. I’m not so overly hopeful as to begin creating pinboards on Pinterest of nursery designs and baby things, but I won’t lie: the thought has occurred to me. I refuse to buy a single pregnancy-related item until such time is appropriate, the only exception being my prenatal vitamins.

That said, when I mentioned wanting to start prenatal yoga, it’s simply to get my mind and body into that headspace of expectant motherhood.

G-d knows I expect to be a mother one day. Here’s hoping I can nail it on my first shot.

I’ve been juggling a careful balance of hope and realism, naïveté and cautious optimism, self-control and motivation. I temper these perspectives delicately, as I don’t want to perch myself too high on the Hopeful Horse, only to fall that much harder should our cycle fail.

. . .

I bring all of this up because I recently had someone confuse a question I had asked on one of my social media channels with a subtle pregnancy announcement. I also was told, via a friend of a friend of a friend, that someone I know in real life was hoping I’d be making “a special announcement” at a social gathering this weekend.

I know: I too winced at things like these, as I have for the last three and a half years. But now I need to prepare myself for the possibility of making it to “the other side” of infertility – at least, in a physical sense; I foresee my infertility will remain with me emotionally, regardless.

…Which means inevitably (and again, hopefully sooner rather than later) – I’ll be making a genuine pregnancy announcement of my own here. And I know how incredibly hard that is to read if you haven’t yet resolved in some way. I’ve felt that way for the last three and a half years, watching other bloggers resolve , parent, and even lap me.

. . .

Esperanza had a really moving post last week about The Sucker Punch BFP . She writes specifically about surprise pregnancy announcements, particularly in the ALI blogosphere, about how they can very painfully catch us off guard. But Esperanza goes much more deeply into her tumble of emotions following one of these announcements that I think holds true for any pregnancy announcement, whether we expect them from ALI bloggers or not:

I have this cycle of thoughts I run through, it goes something like this. First I run through all the people I know who recently got pregnant easily. Then I wonder why I can’t do the same. I list all the possible reasons why it’s not happening…

Then I decide that it’s obvious what the difference is between these people who get pregnant and me: They want it more… They deserve it more. It’s my dark envy that keeps me from getting pregnant…

Of course I don’t believe these things to be true. If someone said this to any of the women I know who are trying– and failing– right now to get pregnant I would be the first to stand up in their defense. I would never think these things about someone else, but I am always thinking them about myself.

I relate so much to her words because I’ve felt them too. Felt the instant smile masking the sting, the burn of tears filling my eyes as I type “Mazel tov!” and hit “Reply.” And I know that when the time comes, so many of you will feel the same way – that my eventual resolution, even as joyful as it may be, will be just as tinged with pain for you as all those resolutions I’ve been reading and yearning for over the last three years.

I think, had my blog not evolved in the myriad ways that it has over the years, had my readership stayed small and intimate – I might not have cared how my words would land. But now? After everything I’ve invested into this space and the overwhelming reciprocity of support, compassion, and flat-out love I have received from so many of you over the years…

I care very deeply about how I will break the news to everyone who reads my blog that yes, by G-d, I’m finally pregnant. I truly care about how those words – and everything that comes with them – will impact each and every one of you. I have to face this strange reality that the moment I began sharing my name and face, that I would never be able to couch myself or my journey in anonymity again.

. . .

It’s finally dawning on me just how very public my first cycle will be. It is both comforting and reassuring to know that I have so many people cheering me on. It’s genuinely humbling and I’m deeply grateful every day for the words of support and encouragement, both here and on Facebook and Twitter.

At the same time, it’s daunting to know just how many people are all up in my biz ;)

I’m not complaining – I threw open the gates of my journey wide and with pride of my own accord. I guess it was just easier to conceptualize without having yet been through treatment than it is to actual live and be in it in the moment right now. In short: I’ve brought this on myself – and (I think) I am okay with it.

I should confess: for as much thought and as many words I’ve just written to hopefully sharing my BFP with you and soon – I’ve spent equally as much time composing a BFN post in my head. I share that not to end on a downer, but to explain my rationale: it’s been helpful to write a BFN post in my head to stay grounded. Posts like these? And the way I want to write my BFP post? They keep me hopeful.

I struggle with coming off as naïve; that I’m too positive for my own good so that if this cycle does fail, it’ll hit me that much harder. I wonder if sometimes I come across as if I’m barely considering the possibility of a BFN or worse, a loss. Truth is, I do think about it – quite frequently, in fact. I just don’t necessarily write about it here.

Instead, I use this space to channel a positive perspective, to commit myself to positivity and self-empowerment, while composing BFN posts in my head such that if I do unfortunately need to commit THAT to paper – I’ll be ready.

Until that time, I need to walk and act and breathe and behave as if failure is not an option – at least, not in this moment.

. . .

I realize this post has gone off on a LOT of different tangents. I’d like to explore them more in some future posts. That said, I’m off to Montreal for a long weekend into mid-next week. I’m hoping I can schedule some posts while I’m gone, but we’ll see.

In the meanwhile, I’d love to hear your thoughts on any and all ramblings in this post. And don’t worry about offending – I’ve branded myself on candidness, so it’s certainly welcome in the comments.

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