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"Not to be" is the answer to the question

Posted Feb 19 2009 6:08pm

It just wasn't to be this time. There was some evidence of placental tissue in the uterus, but not much more than that. Thankfully, there was nothing to indicate an ectopic pregnancy. However, there were also no indications that this has any chance of developing into a normal pregnancy. No gestational sac. No yolk sac. No baby.

I stop meds today and will have another beta drawn in a week. If I have not started to bleed by then or if my levels are still going up, I will be scheduled for a D&C.

Chance and Apollo are doing about as well as can be expected. There are decisions to be made, and there is a game plan already established if they decide to proceed with another cycle. Dr. Sleepy took great care and spent extra time with the four of us (Frank the Fantastic included). We reviewed the previous cycle, he explained his plan for tweaking a future cycle, and gave us about a 40% chance at achieving a healthy pregnancy.

So, that is that. I'm sure I'll have more to say on the finer points of the post-nogo powwow in the clinic conference room later, but those are the basic details. I am glad and highly appreciative that Dr. S made it such a priority to speak with us immediately after the ultrasound. One thing I hate is having to wait for questions to be answered. I process the present better when there is already a plan for the future. Having unanswered questions hanging around makes it impossible for me to begin to move past something, so I am grateful that Dr. S made sure that we left with the answers that we needed before we left. I heart him.

After leaving the clinic, we did what we do best after appointments - we ate, and I think we're all now at least five pounds heavier than we were this morning. We had a long lunch at an exceptional Gullah/soul food restaurant here in South Carolina and talked some things through, already working towards putting this cycle to rest and shaping our thoughts and hopes around what might come next. Chance and Apollo are headed back to Savannah. Frank and I decided to stay here in town overnight. We left Jekyll Island at 5 am. Frank always does all the driving and he's zonked, considering the fact that we didn't got to bed until after midnight. And me -- well, I need some time to fully process and destress, or I won't be any good for el Cinco. I don't want to fall to pieces when Kaelyn looks at me with that eye flutter that's all hers, or when Jordan and Jaiden crack up into their characteristic maniacal laughter, or when Kyra -- the observant one -- puts her hand on my cheek, tilts her eyebrow-furrowed head, and asks, "What's wrong, Mommy?" It would be too much, and I know that.

As odd as it sounds, I just need to be an infertile right now, not a mother after infertility. I need to cry for Chance and Apollo without the complication of what I can only describe as survivor's guilt. Tomorrow. I will be okay tomorrow, and el Cinco's bright faces will be a much-needed salve.

I thank all of you for the warmth, the kindness, and the flood of support that you have shown to us through this cycle. I have no qualms about being a support hog or beggar, so I hope you haven't used up all your energy on this cycle. We're going to need so much more of it when we make another go of it. I wish that I would have had better news for you today, but I'm so, so very grateful that you're here to help us through.

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