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Nerves and Fears

Posted Aug 14 2009 6:24pm
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What is up with this destructiveness? It is almost as if he knows his life is about to completely change, so he is just trying to say "here Mom... take that for wanting to change my life and take the spotlight off of me!" They were both doing pretty well for while, but lately little guy is destroying really random things. Today it was two pens and yesterday it was hot roller clips, the day before was yet another baby toy. What gives?

The nerves are really sinking in. I got a Private Message on FF from a Mama of twins, hers are now three weeks old and she told me how great it is now that they have some sort of routine down. She also mentioned how hard the first couple of weeks were. She said there were times that her and her DH just looked at each other and asked what they had gotten themselves into. I am dreading that. I know it is going to happen, I just don't want it to.

I can totally handle a lack of sleep, I am not big on sleep and I am not a napper, but that is one thing that Gabe is not good at. He needs his sleep and he is grouchy if he doesn't get it. Most Tuesdays he goes into work an hour and a half early, and most Tuesdays when he comes home an hour and a half early he needs an hour and a half nap or the remainder of the night he is a grouch.

For when he goes back to work I was thinking of a schedule where maybe he takes 8 pm to 10 pm and lets me sleep, then I take 10 pm to 5 am, and he takes 5 am to 7 am. That way he is insured a good solid 7 hours and I am insured a good 4 hours, with hopefully a couple hours in between somewhere.

I can't quite pinpoint my biggest fear, but I think it is the fear that I won't be a good Mom, and I won't be able to show them both how much they mean to me. How can I spread myself equally between two newborns? How can we financially provide for both? How can I keep from stressing over the little things?

Another big fear is PPD. I have read that it is worse for those with multiples and even more so for those who were on fertility treatments. Lets face it, I am already slightly depressed right now with being on bedrest and fearing for the health of my boys, will it just magically go away when the boys get here? I am so not one of those who will hide it and try to fix it myself, if I feel not right I would hope that I will be the first to acknowledge it, and seek help with drugs, Tom Cruise can bite me! But then again I am not sure if I remember what it feels like to not feel anxious or depressed. Sounds sad, but so true. For years my life revolved around fertility treatments, which made me feel both anxious and depressed. Then once I got pregnant I was in constant fear of losing my boys, which again made me feel anxious and depressed. So what the hell am I supposed to feel? I am not sure if that person who isn't anxious and depressed exists anymore, and if she does, will I recognize her? Honestly maybe she doesn't exist, maybe it is yet another thing that IF has taken from me. If she does still exist, I can't wait to be reacquainted with her. She was happy, fun, and easy going. I think I saw glimpses or her at early stages in my pregnancy, so I sure hope she finds her way back. But if I remember correctly she also shopped too much, and carried balances on credit cards. I sure hope she grew out of that.

Another fear is breastfeeding for twins. Ahhhhhhhhh the horror stories! Seriously I have not had one person say that breast feeding is easy, but yet here I sit convinced that I am going to do it. I have been told over and over that both boys need to eat at the same time. I get this, but it seems so hard to get them both to latch on and feed at the same time. I so want to breastfeed, and I know it is hard, but I am up for the challenge. I think... I just hope my supply is up for the challenge.

Can someone please pass on their MoM (Mother of Multiples) super powers to me for the first few weeks until I acquire my own?

Can I do this? Holy crap, I am going to have TWO babies! I guess I just realized this! Please give me a pat on the back because yesterday for the first time I took tags off clothes and washed them. Just a few things, I couldn't go getting all crazy, but I did remove some tags off the newborn stuff. For me it was a big accomplishment.
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