Being that this is my first post, I figure I'll just give a relatively short recap of my general history, reproductive and otherwise.
My name is Jennifer and I am 26 years old. I live in New Jersey. I'm married and have a 5 year old daughter, but I'll get to them later.
My story starts out back in 1999. I was in my second year at college and had just broken up with this guy I had been dating for a little over a year when I found out I was pregnant. I had been in, what I believed to be at the time, a committed monogamous relationship and we drank a lot so we utilized birth control sporadically at best. At 19 I still had the mentality of "it could never happen to me" so even without using birth control, I was surprised by the pregnancy. With baby daddy on board with "whatever I decide to do" I went back home to my parents and continued with the pregnancy.
At my first doctor's appointment I had an abnormal pap smear but everything else seemed fine. I continued to have abnormal paps throughout the pregnancy until in my seventh month the doctor decided to perform a colposcopy (like a biopsy of the cervix). Of course since I was pregnant, they didn't dare actually do a full colposcopy, which includes a biopsy from both inside and outside the cervix, so the procedure was basically inconclusive and pointless. During the pregnancy I was anemic, had trouble gaining weight, and the baby always measured small. But 8 days late, my daughter was born completely healthy.
After the recovery from the pregnancy, I was tested and it was shown that my pap smears where still coming back abnormal. Of course nothing could be done since baby daddy and I had already conceived another child. Baby daddy took this much worse than the first pregnancy and coerced me into having an abortion. (I'll just add here that although I was against it and really wish I had stopped it, I did sign the papers for it, so as much as I blame baby daddy, I realize some of the blame must be placed on myself as well.) After the abortion, testing resumed and went on every three months for a year until my doctor decided to give the colposcopy another whirl. Being able to give me a rather painful full biopsy, it confirmed that I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Weeks later the doctor performed a cryosurgery (in which they freeze off the offending cells) and I was to return and be tested every three months for another two years to make sure the cells didn't reappear. In 2003 when they still had not returned I was given a clean bill of health and was allowed to return once a year like all the other "normal" women.
In 2004 I met this guy in a bar and somehow between all of our combined baggage we managed to fall in love. We got engaged in December of 2004 and a week later decided to start trying to conceive. We figured it wouldn't be a problem as I had accidentally conceived twice already and he had managed to "knock up" three girls before me. We were young and obviously very fertile so we assumed I would become pregnant within two cycles. Seven cycles later I was sad and confused, blaming everything from karma (fate punishing us for past abortions), to alcohol (which can lead to low sperm counts), to a complication during the cryosurgery (which never actually happened). Lo and behold the ridiculous amounts of sex we had that month lead to a positive pregnancy test.
We were ecstatic. We told everyone. Why wouldn't we? I had a healthy 5 year old that was living proof in my mind that I had no chance of miscarriage. The U/S showed we were going to have twins. We told more people. Everyone was excited, my family, his family, friends, strangers, everyone. Then the U/S showed the babies heartbeats had stopped. So a week before my wedding I had a D&C. We were devastated. Fiance cried, something I've only heard rumor of, that apparently never happens sober. I didn't deal. I was getting married in less than a week. I had shit to do. I had no time for this depressing crap. We got married. We went on our honeymoon. We came home, went to the doctors and were told that we could start trying again.
Exactly two months from the date of the D&C I got my period. I wasn't pregnant. That's when I dealt. I lost it. I got drunk and cried and drank more and basically flipped out. All in the comfort of my own home. My new husband became increasingly concerned leading to his bringing me to the hospital for fear that I had managed to give myself alcohol poisoning. I hadn't but that didn't stop the hospital administration for admitting me to a psychiatric rehab facility for "trying to kill myself". I drank too much. It was stupid. But it happens. I didn't even have alcohol poisoning. I was trapped there for a little over a week until they realized I was in fact not in danger of killing myself (and that I really didn't have insurance) and they released me.
Two weeks later I find out I'm pregnant. Apparently all that newlywed after a separation sex did it's job. The doctor's were very optimistic. There was no reason to think that I wouldn't have a healthy uneventful pregnancy. The twins were identical and that probably caused some sort of chromosomal abnormality. No chance of that happening this time. The U/S showed one baby, strong healthy heartbeat. And oh, by the way, you have a hemorrhage in your uterus, but it's probably nothing. Oh yeah, and you contracted toxoplasmosis. Never mind that's virtually impossible since I've had cats since I was little and should have been immune. And since I hadn't gone near kitty little since I was pregnant the first time around. But it should be fine, I'm just labeled "high risk" again and referred to a perinatologist to see when I enter the second trimester. Which never happens because 2 weeks before on Christmas eve, my birthday, I'm rushed to the ER due to massive bleeding. I never even had spotting, just a huge gush of blood. The U/S says the new fetus has died, lost it's heartbeat, and they're sorry. Merry Christmas.
I come home, I try to deal as best I can. I talk about it a little. I'm just not the emotional touchy feely sort. Christmas blows. New Years starts out good but pretty much blows. I go see the doctor who tells me that all the tissue has passed and I don't need another surgery. And we can start trying again. But, she has to warn me that although there were extenuating circumstances with both of the recent pregnancies, there is only a 50% chance of carrying the next pregnancy to term. That doesn't mean it won't happen, but she has to warn me. But on the bright side, if it does happen again, they'll do tests to see why it keeps happening. Doesn't seem all that bright to me.
Which brings me to now, 16 months after we started trying. Not pregnant yet, but maybe someday soon. Depressed yet hopeful I guess. I can name at least 4 of my friends, none of them trying, none of them married, who have gotten pregnant in that time. One's already given birth to a healthy baby girl. Another is 6 months along. Another is about the same with twins. The most recent will hit the 2nd trimester in less than a week. All without complication. All that have no clue how hard it can be. All that don't understand I really truly am happy for them and very much want them to have extremely healthy pregnancies, but being around them depresses me. I love them and will always be friends with them, but right now I can't be near them and listen to their stories of doctor's appointments, maternity clothes and the like. I wish I could, but in my sad twisted mind, I can't, it's just not fair.
I feel just like you, living a similar situation. It been 16 month now that I'm trying to get pregnant after having a boy who going to be two years old on june 10.
Like you, four of my friends (people I work with, even my sister in law who is 41 years old) concived without trying. One just give birth, two are due for may and june and one is due for november.
I add a miscarriage in october. In March it hurt bad because, I was supose to have my first appointment with my 'sage-femme' (I don't now what it's call in english - I think it's mide-wife). And I was supose to be due in July. It's hard to handle alone. Alone, because no one understand. Even my doctor said to me: 'don't be like that, you already have one anyway'. I wanted to hit her that day.
I was cold with my sister in law when I found out she was pregant. After a month, I told her I was happy for her but that I had dificulty handling it.
And this morning was an other month passing by with a big fat negative for pregnancy.
I cryied reading your story (for the first time since nowing I have lost the baby in October - I din't allowed my self to cry at that time). It a relief in a way to day, to now I'm not alone in that case, like you said. Thank you for that Jennifer.
Next step for me it's to try acupuncture (because I can't have medical help for a other 8 months). After that, we will see.
It been nice getting this out of my chest and I think I will follow your advice on writting want I feel and live. Reading you did help me in a way.