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My cervix lives in a place that is unreachable

Posted Oct 22 2008 4:51pm

Still here, still pregnant. Shocker, I know. I could be 2 cm, I could be 6 cm, hell, I could have reverted back to 0 cm. My cervix lives in a place that is unreachable by my hands in this large condition, so I don't get to know until Monday.

I am now the proud owner of a birthing ball. And no, I do not plan on birthing on the ball. Sitting on it is supposed to relieve my back pain and perhaps help the baby drop or maybe help dilation or something. I am fuzzy on the details. It's a comfy sit, that is until you want to get back up, when you realize that the 90 degree angle your legs have been in for hours to keep you from falling off said ball has caused your muscles to tense. Then you waddle. Fun. My back still hurts but bouncing on the thing can be entertaining. Thus 20 dollars well spent.

I know why I think I'll go into labor early. I have the same late pregnancy irrational hope that somehow, someway I'll be done being pregnant soon. What I don't understand is why everyone else thinks I'll go soon. I'm just shy of 38 weeks and yet I've been fielding calls and text messages for the past two weeks asking if I had the baby yet. The husband claims that people just know how I am. I dunno what that means. Sure I'm impatient, but that never made anything go faster. I have a proven track record of going late. The hellion was 8 days late, my water breaking after my having given up on ever going into labor. At 20, I began to doubt that I was pregnant at all. Perhaps I was just bizarrely overweight. Of course, I still to this day have no clue when I got pregnant with her, and my due date was nothing more than a guess. A very uneducated one. Like I just closed my eyes and pointed to the calender. Hell, for all I know, she could have been 8 days early. Having said that, I stick by my proven track record. Thinking that I may go overdue keeps me from becoming completely delusional about going into labor any time now.

I had a dream that I had a dog and the sheriff was going to put it down. I ran over to the sheriff and punched her in the face. I woke up crying because I'm the type of person who would rather hit someone to make myself feel better than comfort the dog when it needed comforting. Yeah, hormones are back.

I played playstation baseball with the husband last night, trying to keep busy. He's a sore loser and when I was about to win, he quit the game. I got pissed, went to bed and cried. Why? Because how is someone like that going to help me during labor? He apologized and then went on to say "Why would I want to keep playing a game when I know I'm going to lose?" More anger and crying. In my hormonal state, I saw the comment as a metaphor for my life. I keep playing when I know I've lost and he just quits. My life summed up in a passing comment that he didn't even realize was significant.

He calls today and asks if I'm still mad. Um, yup. He seems confused and I claim hormones, not wanting to have this discussion. He goes on to tell me I can play the game without him and so I can have the win. Yeah, cheating makes it better. I try to explain that it wasn't the stupid game. It was his actions which were mean, disrespectful and a waste of my time. He sorry and attempts to bribe me with Italian ice. I explain that these bribes of food aren't going to work after I have the baby. He seems content in knowing that at least they work now.

Our 2 year anniversary is Sunday. Is it wrong that I don't care and don't want to celebrate? He wants to do something. I want to ignore it completely. I know I'm supposed to be making an effort and acting as though everything is fine until I go into labor, but celebrating our anniversary if like a huge kick in the teeth. All it does is remind me that we were married less that two years when he decided that me and the kids weren't enough for him. It's like throwing a birthday party for a man who's on life support dying. Yeah, it's his birthday, but he's in pain and perhaps doesn't want to be reminded that it's most likely his last. He doesn't want anything, doesn't need anything and perhaps would just like to be left alone as opposed to having to put a happy face on as to not upset you, the party thrower.

If I went into labor tomorrow I would be bale to have my baby and not have to deal with my anniversary. It would be perfect, which means it won't happen. Go into labor 2 weeks early? Yeah, not likely.

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