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Posted Aug 29 2010 12:00am

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 and 4


I am still around and missing you all. Just got the chance to do another blog post on an issue that affects so many of us couples of childbearing age, and so often we suffer silently because this is such a personal and private issue. I sure do hope that this post will help even, just one such couple..

Low or no sex drive, is a very common condition for many women after giving birth. For some it can last longer than a few weeks and up to a few years. Up to even a few months after giving birth, in my opinion, can be seen as normal as the woman's body, while giving birth and afterwards, has to deal with a lot of factors, hormonal and otherwise, the greatest of which I believe is the adjustments involved in taking care of a newborn, and this very often can be further complicated with the presence of postpartum depression..

This problem also affects men as well because after witnessing this miracle of childbirth and all the pain associated with it, they  find it hard to be intimate with their partner, for fear of inflicting more pain. Some men, on the other hand, sadly, do not  find their partner's body appealing after childbirth, and still, other men, find that they are dealing with jealousy and resentment because their baby is the one who is now the object of affection from their spouse, leaving no time for intimacy.

This, as you can well imagine, can cause a lot of stress for any couple, as sex is that part of the relationship which promotes the highest degree of intimacy. There is frustration and guilt for the woman as she feels that she is not living up to her duty in the relationship and may even fear that her partner might be forced to seek sex outside of the home. The man on the other hand might be dealing with feelings of guilt because he has no urge to engage in sex with his partner, because the body of the woman he fell in love with is no longer appealing to him and to complicate things further,  now a little human being has taken up permanent residence on her breasts. Hardly a picture for sexual arousal.

I am hardly an expert in any of what I am writing about, but I believe life is our greatest teacher, therefore with this in mind, I offer my recommendations, which is totally all my opinion and what has worked in my relationship.

Firstly, in our relationship, we foster honest and, open and healthy communication, because we both believe this is the key to weathering any storms that may arise. As hard as it might be now, find some time to talk openly with each other, either when the baby is asleep or when his/her demands have been met and he/ or she is calm. Tell each other how you both are feeling and do try to see things from each other's perspective. I know it will be hard for a man to tell his wife that he no longer finds her attractive after childbirth, and it will take a very high degree of maturity, which sadly, many of us do not possess, for any woman to actually hear this coming from her husband, much less to see this from his perspective. After I gave birth to our son, though overwhelmed at times, I was quite aware of the fact that I still had the responsibility to maintain a certain amount of appeal to my husband, and I would implore all women to be mindful of this as well as this really helps.

Medical Experts have said that a woman’s body never gets back into pre-pregnancy shape after having a baby and I believe this is true.  It is very important that the man take note and understand this and appreciate his spouse more for giving of herself in such an unselfish way to create a precious human being, a symbol like no other, of the love they both share for each other. With this in the background, I believe the man will have no issue with the body of his spouse, after she has given birth.

Secondly, it is very important that the woman trust her spouse enough in helping her to care for the newborn, so that she does not become too overwhelmed and burnt out, thus leaving no time for her spouse. If each parent shares the responsibility as much as possible you should find the experience more enjoyable and rewarding. I wish I had trust and involved my husband more in taking care of our son, but he did whatever he could and I must say, this really helped a lot. as it allowed us more time to savor this very beautiful moment and also allowed us more time for intimacy.

 I find that when I am not in the mood for sex, and when I put all those feelings aside and just think that my husband and our marriage deserves the effort, I find that it’s the most enjoyable, so as a result, my theory for some things in life is, sometimes it pays to just do things. Put away all those feelings of not wanting to do something and do it, because many times there are great benefits to be had, which you would not have gained, had you not pushed past yourself and indulge. 

Lastly, compromise is a word very often used when talking about relationships, especially marriage and I believe this is the time when compromise is needed most, from both partners.
If you choose to use the above recommendations, there is a good chance that your relationship will be capable of pulling through any storm and, your child will be grateful to you when he or she is grown and find you both still so much in love and in tune with each other, because a couple makes a happy, healthy home for our children.


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