Living in a world and feeling like you don’t belong……..
Posted Aug 07 2009 7:15pm
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.” Psalm 127: 3 & 4
Persons struggling with infertility live in a world that is their home and yet feel like they do not belong and daily life becomes more and more difficult as they struggle to find places to go and company to be in, that does not remind them of their infertility.
This can certainly shatter your world and it is more painful when you have been dreaming your whole life of how you want your life to turn out, the handsome husband, the beautiful kids and the house with the white picket fence. Then reality strikes and you realize that this dream has now turned into a nightmare as you struggle to feel a part of a world that does not seem to care too much that your dreams have betrayed you.
There were many times in my struggles, when I felt like I would run, just run to the hills and hopefully find a cave where I could spend the rest of my life, with my only company being my self- pity, my pain, my tears and the creatures that makes that environment their home. Yes, it was that difficult. I was feeling so alone in my misery that a cave would not make much of a difference from how I was living every day.
I was angry at the world for shutting me out. I thought it was cruel, insensitive and selfish and at times felt like I did not want to exist in it anymore. There was nowhere that did not remind me of my affliction and hardly any company in which I felt comfortable being who I was. Even the company of my husband reminded me that I was aching so much to give him a family, a family I knew he would love and care for so much, because that is what he does best, love care and nurture.
I often wondered why God allowed this kind of affliction on mankind when the world is obviously not equipped to embrace and include those of us who find ourselves in these positions. You are expected to attend birthday parties, baby showers among other events featuring children and oftentimes have to actually will yourself to show up. I know many did not know the extent of what I was going through because as I mentioned in my last post, I could not talk about it, but the little that people knew and suspected, still did not seem to make much of a difference as it still fueled comments such as, ‘You want a baby so bad oh,’ ‘I do not think that I would be so upset about infertility,’ and ‘Why is she stressing out her family,’ among others (mind you, these are people with family). This is why I became more and more terrified to say what I was really going through to avoid worst comments.
I am wondering if I was able to talk freely about my struggles, what kind of support I would have received? Would I have been helped or would I have come out feeling still judged and misunderstood? This post is in no way one that is casting blame on people for contributing to the misery that I went through, because I know it must be hard to support people dealing with issues like these and worst if they are oblivious to this fact. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I am finding it difficult, even with my experience, to support people currently dealing with infertility and so I know all too well that this is no easy task. I am just re-iterating the fact that the world we are expected to exist in, is not equipped to help us co-op with many unfortunate circumstances in our lives and so we ourselves have to find and employ the coping skills that we need.
Many of you know by now that I struggled for over a decade and so you might be wondering, apart from the goodness and faithfulness of God, what did I do for myself to make it through this. Well, after examining my situation, I made a choice to do more things for me and that included not being in places that caused me more pain, if it was at all in my control. There were times when my husband and I would just go out and have dinner and if I felt for the most expensive thing on the menu, as long as when the bill comes, they would not have to call the police on us or have us wash dishes, I would order it. I would now and then purchase new items of clothing and this was particularly around Mother’s Day. Then there were times when my husband and I would take off to the beach in the middle of the week (that is when we like the beach anyway) or just go out sighting seeing and then have an ice cream cone afterwards. If we could have afforded more travelling, then I am sure we would have done a lot of that too, because, believe me, those things helped in the chaos, that was my life.
I must apologize if there is a venting tone detected in this post, but today I was reliving some of the struggles I endured fighting infertility and was feeling particularly sorry for myself and others of you struggling in this regard and thinking how sad it is that some of us are subjected to this kind of pain and so, I am sending hugs your way, especially those in 'bloggersland' and reminding you that I am in your corner.
Fight on, though the road be rocky for now, who knows, the best part could be just around the bend and remember, don’t be afraid to employ your coping skills when the need arises.