It is so hard to describe exactly how I am doing and feeling right now ... which is what this blog is there for after all - if for no other reason than for me to be able to look back one day and remember what this was like. Not a day goes by, and probably not even a moment, when I am not keenly aware of what a miracle it is that I have two healthy babies. I look at each of them and remember the many times we were so scared for their health and lives. I know that I am unbelievably lucky, and I am so humbled by the fact that our girls' survived this terrible disease and are doing so well. There were so many times during this pregnancy when I wanted nothing more in this world than for my babies to be with me and to be healthy. I feel like I should be the happiest I have been in my life - but I am realizing it is a lot harder to feel happiness or any other emotion when you haven't had a decent nights' sleep in weeks! I am beyond exhausted, and find this phase a lot more taxing than I thought. The girls' are a lot more work now that their due date has come and gone. When I am taking care of them by myself, it is sometimes impossible to even use the restroom or get a drink of water without listening to one or both of them cry. They have been especially fussy at night, and I can count myself lucky if only one of them is acting up at a time, because I can actually console one baby - even if it takes me an hour. The way we split our night shifts right now with my mom being here, I have the girls from 8pm-2am, which would be a perfect shift - because all I have to do is stay up until 2 and then I can go to sleep. However, the last few nights, I listened to one or both babies cry until after midnight - no matter how hard I tried to console them. Feeding time can turn into absolute mayhem. Yesterday, I had to nurse one baby for a few minutes, and then the other, and then the first baby again ... because that was the only way I could keep the screaming to a minimum. I am afraid that this might be the beginning of the 6-week fussy period ... and will only get worse until they hit that 6 week (corrected age) mark. It's been so bad at times that Bjorn (who gets home from work at around 9pm a lot of evenings), had to help me for about an hour before heading to bed - which cuts his night short, since he has the early morning shift.
To summarize, the sleep deprivation is hardest, as is the feeling of not being able to accomplish anything some days - aside from feeding and consoling babies - and of hardly ever having any time to myself. Today, it was 4:30pm when I finally got to make our bed - and it only takes a few minutes!
I feel like I should enjoy this time more, like I want to enjoy it more - after all, the babies are SO cute and they grow up so fast. And I do enjoy it. Despite everything, these days ARE filled with the happiest moments of my life. It's 1:30am and I was just sitting on my couch with both of my fussy babies in my arms - Amaya trying to fight off sleep but her eye lids falling, and Liana, vigorously sucking on her paci fier and staring at me as if I was the 8 th world wonder. What can I say, that's life with two infants.
P.S. Yes, we did just recently watch the "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD. Thanks for all who suggested it. Bjorn seems to have a little more luck getting them to calm down using the techniques - it helps that his arms and hands are that much bigger for the side-laying jiggle. I have to jiggle them on my knees. I am also reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth, which I find interesting - but most of his sleep training suggestions start after 6 weeks of corrected age.