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Let's Start Over...

Posted Oct 02 2012 10:30am
Can we all get a "redo"?

The virtual world is an interesting place. We don't see who we are talking about. Don't know personally who we are hurting. And I think we all (myself number one in line) say things that we wouldn't say in person.

There was a big misunderstanding on my blog. Hurtful things were said. And responses were also hurtful.

In regards to me deciding to go back for my embryos, an anonymous reader wrote the following:

I'm not sure I understand your reasoning. Since you obviously aren't even able to handle three children without live in help, why would you add more? Do you expect people to leave their own lives to help you out for the rest of yours? This seems overly selfish and impractical to me, but I'm sure it's just because I don't understand your predicament. However, if you consider not using the embryos a "waste" or against God's will, why not donate them and allow another family the opportunity to have the same joy you do?

I was quite upset. And probably, rightfully so. While I don't know this person personally, it really broke my spirit. Mainly because I wondered how many people felt this way. My embryos are my children. I need to go back for them. I must. And yes, at the same time, I am the mother of three very young chidlren. However, after posting my statement in reply, anonymous came back and admitted a few things.

Firstly she apologized for posting anonymously. Totally understandable that she didn't understand how that works. (It's a virtual world where rules have been created as we go. No problem. Forgiven.)

She, is actually, Amy, and she made some additional statements which I can respect -- however, I disagree.

You've written before about how difficult having three children are, and even mention in this reply that you have live in help to make your own life as a stay at home mom easier because of a certain lifestyle you wish to have. I understand that. I have nothing against pre-school or daycare, but I myself homeschool our two children for my own reasons, but I do so without bringing in outside help. 

To this I must say that I think we all reach out for help, and I believe that the idea that we can do it without help is why most moms feel like they are not doing a good job. I feel that the idea we can do it alone causes people to feel that all the other moms "have it together." I, however, do not feel that I need help. I feel that I want help. That having someone here makes me a better mom. (These are not paid people by the way. These are people who wanted to come for their own interests as well.)

The point of my question before was just to help me understand why you would add to the overwhelming job of raising three children with even more so soon. 

The answer is that I am 35 which is advanced maternal age. If I were 25, I would wait. But I am not. And we need  to give those children -- which is what we view our embryos -- a chance at life.

I didn't realize that to some, not using embryos would be considered abortion. 

Very fair statement Amy. I am supposed to be educating people. We definitely see it as abortion (although there are arguments about this even in Christian circles.)That's a big part of the feelings.

I do apologize for my poorly written comment, it was not my intention to cause an upheaval. Normally I would not respond to such condemnation, but I wanted to clarify that I did not say such things out of malicious behavior, just a hopes of better understanding of your reasoning and bridging the gaps between our differences in raising families.

I think this is where I had trouble Amy, because the comment came out (albeit you may not have intended it and I can respect that, very hurtful and judgmental.)
I responded to her comment with the following reply
Thank you for taking the time to respond back. I assure you that had you written your first comment in the way that you wrote your second, my feelings would not have been hurt at all. Your second comment was well thought out and not unkind.

While you said it came out wrong, I just don't know how to translate this
"Since you obviously aren't even able to handle three children without live in help, why would you add more? Do you expect people to leave their own lives to help you out for the rest of yours? This seems overly selfish and impractical to me, but I'm sure it's just because I don't understand your predicament."

any differently. It really hurt my feelings.

The one thing that I said in anger,and shouldn't have, is that "don't come back." If you would like to keep reading, I obviously cannot stop you, and you are welcome. That was said in anger, and I apologize for that.

However, my point was that, we ALL get help in some fashion. We all need it. My aunt is here however for her own interests. Mine are secondary.

I appreciate you signing your name, and again, i would take it very differently had the 2nd comment been your first.

Amy responded with the following comment
Wendi- again, I apologize. I really have no excuse other than late nights coupled with sick children, obviously rendering me unable to process thoughts in a kind or coherent manner. Looking back over it, I do understand how it came across, and am very ashamed that I did not realize it sooner. I am very sorry for hurting your feelings, although I know that is not quite decent enough to fix things. I appreciate your rescinding my ousting from your website, but I must be honest. Despite knowing that those who read your blog are your friends, and therefore simply trying to uplift you and stand up for you, I feel overwhelmed by hypocrisy. I do realize that I was the one in the wrong, and they had full right to claim that I was judging someone based on lack of information. Yet they are allowed to do the same, laying claim to know so well where I was coming from, call me names, etc? Coming from so many women who enforce God's name, I'm a little appalled and astounded. I know emotions are high, and I'm the one to cause them, but I no longer feel comfortable associating virtually with such people. I sincerely appreciate your calm response, and again apologize for my ill behavior and words. Not only an apology to you, but to all those who took offense. I will definitely think more clearly in the future. But I will no longer be returning to this page, I simply wanted to make sure you had received my explanation. Best of luck in the future, my prayers are with you in hopes your future trials will be overcome such as those in the past.

My online friend Andi actually sort of wrote middle-of-the-road reply, and Andi, I actually agree with you. While I do not think, in this case, I was being ultra-sensitive, I do agree that "rallying the troops" behind me is not a fair thing to do and was NOT what Jesus would have done. I don't know if Amy will be coming back to read, and for that, I am sincerely sorry. My feelings were, deeply hurt. But even though this is a virtual world, I think we all have to be careful to not do it the way Jesus would do it. And I absolutely, 100% forgive you Amy. I also ask you to forgive me for not handling it the way Jesus would have handled it. Jesus would have said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." He would have educated. And He would have moved on. Oh to be like Christ.

If Amy, in any way, stopped loving the Lord through my response, than I handled it wrong. Period. And that's the truth. The Bible instructs us to turn the other cheek. My first cheek stung and so I did not turn away. I got angry. I tried to stay calm. But I didn't say things correctly.
Andi wrote: Not to be insensitive to your feelings, because they are very valid. But perhaps instead of rallying the troops for support next time, you could approach the "anonymous" in a softer tactic? You were basically making assumptions about her just as she was doing with you. Not sure this method was healing on either end. Understandable, but not conducive to spreading understanding and education on your passion.

Yes, it's easy for me to say that as a 3rd party. But I know I've isolated myself from a lot of my former friends because my ultra-sensitivity about this topic. I got hurt easily and lashed out myself. I cannot even blame them...I was just as much of a part of it. :-( It WAS the reason I quit blogging. Me + them. Just wanting you to not make the same mistake.

Andi, I agree with you. This is about Christ. It is about HIS love. He wouldn' lash out no matter WHAT the comment. But I did not handle things correctly, and for that, I am deeply sorry. In the future, I hope we can all remember that Christ's love and His message is the most important thing. If Amy did not see the Lord, then I take full responsibility.

If you desire to leavea another comment, that is fine, but please do not allow me to stir things up and cause you to get angry (on my behalf.)
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