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left behind

Posted Sep 11 2009 4:58pm
I hope I look back at this post one day (sooner than later) and think I'm crazy for feeling this way... BUT, right now I just feel so left behind from happiness. I am happy from day to day and grateful for the good things in my life, but what I am referring to is the pure joy and happiness and fulfillment that having a baby brings.  Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely grateful for our new house, but it's pretty depressing having all those nice bedrooms sit completely empty with out purpose.  When we picked out this house, we had four babies in mind that would occupy those rooms.  Now it's just a big reminder of how "empty" my life is.

 I've been so left behind, and am so lost without my babies.  I'm at a time in my life were it seems that everyone I know has children now, and then there's me.  I'm sick if being asked my strangers if I have kids and having to say no.  Because I really do have babies; they are just not with me, and it's complicated.  Very complicated.  I'm sick of not feeling like myself anymore. When I look back at pictures, all I do is categorize them as pre and post-pregnancy, and that's all I see things as.  Pre-pregnancy was back when life was simple and I had no idea about what this pain feels like.  Everything that has occurred post-pregnancy has been a blur.  I haven't really been fully present in life since I lost my babies, unless I am thinking about them.

When I talk to other grieving moms or read their blogs, I've heard them say that their pain and grief changes over time, but never goes away.  That doesn't surprise me, I'd never expect it to completely go away, but it's just depressing to know I will be sad and empty to a certain extent for the rest of my life.  I hope one day we will have a healthy baby, and that will be amazing, but it will never take this feeling away.

So for now, I am feeling left behind.  I'm sure my time will come, and I'll try to be patient.  It's just hard adapting to how life is for me now.
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