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It Is A New Year

Posted Jan 10 2011 10:29am

I’ve sat in front of this screen for a few minutes…wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to say. I am listening to a song that is beautiful and really its what I need right now : Be Still My Soul

There is alot of disquiet goin on inside of me- not that it’s anything new. This year- this 2011- hasn’t exactly started in a great and uplifting way. I admit that I am anxious about what the year will bring. Last year really sucked…even throwing the good things that happened into the equation it doesn’t balance out.  You know I made a resolution this year: to not place any unreasonable expectations on myself.  I am left wondering- just 10 days in- what it is I can expect for myself?

My Uncle Steve died yesterday afternoon.

He was my favorite Uncle.  Wait.  Not “was”, but still is.  The last time we were together he was making me laugh.  He made me get up and dance with him–in his wheelchair. We stood outside to watch the 4th of July fireworks.  He was laughin and his carefree self lookin up into the sky.  He held my hand and called me little one.

He by no means was anywhere close to perfect but he was a good man.  He was a womanizer- we called him Bull.  He took care of his kids though and he never lied to the women he was with.  They knew what he was before they jumped in the bed (or-ahem-where ever).  I think its a testament that all of his kids and baby mama’s are active in our family and always welcome.  My cousins never had to wonder about their Daddy or felt treated poorly by any member of the fam.  The women knew they could call on aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins if they needed help with the kids. Softball, football, track, birthday parties were attended by everyone.

It is so odd for people to imagine that my favorite Uncle was so different from me.  I have…had…other Uncles that were more like me and I loved them but its…was… a different relationship.  I am really going to miss him.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Just like with my brother last year.

My Dad and Aunt are the last one’s left and I am so scared that I’ll not be able to say goodbye to them either.  My Dad is sick…we are waiting for them to schedule him for a kidney transplant…we have been waiting for almost three years now.  Been trying to get him transfered out here to the East Coast but they have plugged up the paperwork.  They don’t need to find a donor or anything- my baby brother is a perfect match. It is just waiting for the Doc who can wield a knife to do the surgery. What if something happens this year?  Is it bad that I am saving as much money as possible just in case Daddy dies? So that I can be there for this one thing at least?

Morbid, right?

 


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