I think I should warn you, dear Reader, that for this week I am off my happy pills and it is the worst timing in the world. I am not happy, chipper, or even floating on the surface. I am drowning in my own self-pity, sense of failure, and straight up mad at life.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I can feel it coming- the same way that I feel the rain. It hurts.
This week in the land of Blog you will read about women in all phases of this journey. Many of us say the same things. The one’s who are now Mother’s will express their joy-along with can only be described as “survivor’s guilt”.
As for me I think I may be at my breaking point. There are many times I have written here that I haven’t yet felt like I have hit the bottom of the barrel, but this week has just be rediciously difficult. This week I feel like I hit the bottom and it fell out.
I just want to be normal.
I just want to feel that for once the universe is on my side.
I’m tired of doctors. Of appointments. Of testing. Of finding out every time a test comes back that there is something else wrong.
Today I had to go to the pharmacy and I cried because the woman next to me was picking up prenatal pills- excited by the news they just received. I was leaving with pills for another test.
I don’t care about the story behind it if there is one- I just know that she is where I want to be.
I had to stop by the lab- which is right in between Ultrasounds and Maternity.
A young woman walked out of the same room where I had my Vag ultrasounds and I tried not to cry, but I sobbed when I got to the car because she got to leave with a picture of her little one and I just left with another problem- another procedure that needs to be done.
I spoke (kind of) with my mother in law yesterday. She basically accused me of using birth control. I can’t right now write about the entire conversation, but if you are on Fertility Friend and apart of my group then I wrote about it there. Actually… here is a cut and paste:
My mother in law called me yesterday- and accused (yes that is the nicest, most appropriate word) me of using birth control. She said that she didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want children since I “stay at home”.
When I told her that I was offended- she brought up that my brother in law (who is only 19 mind you with no job, and has been trying to finish his high school for two and a half years) is “ahead of us” since Jaelyn (my niece who is due in June) is coming and it shouldn’t be like that, especially since we will be married 5 years this year.
and didn’t I want to celebrate Mother’s Day?
I hung up on her.
I think that part of why (one of the many parts) this is so much more painful than is because this past year I was a mom- a mom for 8 hours- and she was taken away because of a technicality. Something we had absolutely no control over and no way to fight to get her back. That was so difficult- I couldn’t even write about it any more than the facts of what happened.
You know how sometimes you feel like something isn’t meant to be?
I am becoming more and more convinced that motherhood isn’t meant to be for me.
Three years and 10 months of infertility- during which we had no coverage for anything beyond diagnostic testing.
We stopped trying because we kept falling on the wrong side of the odds- but hope was still kind of there.
Then came the news that our friend had passed and we were the ones named in his will to get his daughter, Asiana. That failed.
Five months of limbo.
I finally can start doing something and I don’t even respond to the meds.
Just now I found out that the Hubbs is not going to be home this month so this cycle is already busted no matter if I happen to respond this time (which I am confident I will respond since there is no chance of anything happening anyway).
I found out yesterday when i talked to my mom that my cousin is pregnant with twins. Six months and she didn’t even know- she didn’t even realize. She is in jail for the next 18 months at least. The father is gone- an illegal who got deported back to Mexico, back to his wife and children. Her parents have legal custody of the children she already has- and the only ones who will have the same father are these twins.
This really was the wrong week to be off my happy pills.