The other day, an older woman I know came up to me, placed her hand on my stomach and said with a 'knowing' smile: "Are you expecting dear?"
My inner thoughts: WTF? Does she know something I don't know? Wait a sec - of course not. And
WTF ?! Why are you touching me?! Get your hands off me and mind your own business. &*#@% I haven't even gained weight! ....W T F?!
My spoken words: *smile* Nope. I'd tell you if I was pregnant.
Her hand drops like a rock. Her face falls. She smiles awkardly, and says "...oh". Then a little while later she says quietly "I hope you're not upset that I asked."
My inner thoughts: Yes, I am actually. It was rude and presumptuous.
My spoken words: No, its fine. Really. *smile* When we're expecting, we'll tell people when we're ready. You don't have to guess. We'll tell you when we're ready.
Seriously people! Mind your own business. I am not pregnant. And if I was pregnant, and I wanted you to know, I would tell you. If I haven't told you then get over yourself and just wait a few months. I'm not a big person - at some point it will become obvious.
What if we didn't want to be pregnant - the 'are you?' question would get tired quick. Or even worse - if we want to be pregnant but can't get pregnant? Salt in the wound.... Pregnancy is taken for granted and it shouldn't be. It is LIFE at its very essence - and that is beautiful and anticipated, but it is also unpredictable and difficult at times.... yes, you can trust birth. But you also have to acknowledge the reality of the world we live in.
It's one thing when its just whispered rumours and another thing altogether when people start touching me. I already have plans for a whole collection of t-shirts which make it very clear that touching me is not an option. It's my body. You wouldn't rub my belly if I wasn't pregnant (story above not-with-standing - she
thought I was pregnant) A pregnant body is an amazing sacred space in which LIFE is being created. Maybe older women just want to touch a piece of that life and feel it again for themselves. But it is not theirs to take. Even as a doula, I do not touch a mothers belly unless she specifically invites me to, or if it is in the course of a comfort measure, and then I ask permission first. Always. I think that touching a woman's body without her permission throughout a pregnancy, is just one of the many subtle ways we take away a woman's sense of control and ownership of her own self.
Obviously, I feel very passionately about this. Being touched by people who have no right to touch me is one of the things that freaks me out the most about the possibility of being pregnant some day. As a pregnant woman, you're expected to smile graciously and stand there while strangers and acquaintances alike rub you like a budha or lucky rabbits foots. I don't approve.
My inner thoughts: WTF? Does she know something I don't know? Wait a sec - of course not. And WTF ?! Why are you touching me?! Get your hands off me and mind your own business. &*#@% I haven't even gained weight! ....W T F?!
My spoken words: *smile* Nope. I'd tell you if I was pregnant.
Her hand drops like a rock. Her face falls. She smiles awkardly, and says "...oh". Then a little while later she says quietly "I hope you're not upset that I asked."
My inner thoughts: Yes, I am actually. It was rude and presumptuous.
My spoken words: No, its fine. Really. *smile* When we're expecting, we'll tell people when we're ready. You don't have to guess. We'll tell you when we're ready.
Seriously people! Mind your own business. I am not pregnant. And if I was pregnant, and I wanted you to know, I would tell you. If I haven't told you then get over yourself and just wait a few months. I'm not a big person - at some point it will become obvious.
What if we didn't want to be pregnant - the 'are you?' question would get tired quick. Or even worse - if we want to be pregnant but can't get pregnant? Salt in the wound.... Pregnancy is taken for granted and it shouldn't be. It is LIFE at its very essence - and that is beautiful and anticipated, but it is also unpredictable and difficult at times.... yes, you can trust birth. But you also have to acknowledge the reality of the world we live in.
It's one thing when its just whispered rumours and another thing altogether when people start touching me. I already have plans for a whole collection of t-shirts which make it very clear that touching me is not an option. It's my body. You wouldn't rub my belly if I wasn't pregnant (story above not-with-standing - she thought I was pregnant) A pregnant body is an amazing sacred space in which LIFE is being created. Maybe older women just want to touch a piece of that life and feel it again for themselves. But it is not theirs to take. Even as a doula, I do not touch a mothers belly unless she specifically invites me to, or if it is in the course of a comfort measure, and then I ask permission first. Always. I think that touching a woman's body without her permission throughout a pregnancy, is just one of the many subtle ways we take away a woman's sense of control and ownership of her own self.
Obviously, I feel very passionately about this. Being touched by people who have no right to touch me is one of the things that freaks me out the most about the possibility of being pregnant some day. As a pregnant woman, you're expected to smile graciously and stand there while strangers and acquaintances alike rub you like a budha or lucky rabbits foots. I don't approve.