I wish I was dilating, I could use the distraction
Posted Oct 22 2008 4:51pm
Off to the doctor's office yet again, this time for my 37 week 1 day appointment. I'm ready to deliver, but my body is not. I was a whopping 0 centimeters dilated last week and expect to hear the same when I go again today. Weekly pants-off appointments suck, but at least they give me something to do with all my spare time. I'm bored out of my mind. Everything is set up and ready to go. Everything except my cervix. And there is only so much TV you can watch and books you can read before you start crawling the walls.
Looking for anything to do, I attempted go to a farmer's market yesterday. It started raining at the moment I left the house. No farmer's market for me. Not that I really wanted to go. I just needed to do something. So I got food and ate. Eating is getting old as well, being it's pretty much my sole way to kill time.
Passive-aggressiveness continues to run rampant in my house. The phone records for the lawyer have magically disappeared from my computer files. Twice. Not that it really matters as I was only getting them in order to save time and perhaps billable hours. He's going to subpoena them anyway. Plus the text messages I don't have access to, which I imagine will probably be the final nail in the coffin. The ones I found on the phone were bad enough, so I can't imagine being able to forgive the ones he actually thought to delete.
I so don't want to get a divorce. I know it sounds like I do, but I really don't. What I really want is for all of this to have never have happened. I can't have that. I'd settle for believing it was a one time thing we could work through. I try but I'm just not that naive. I'm not going to say that getting a divorce is inevitable. I know me. If I truly believe that he knows how wrong he was and that he wouldn't do it again, I would give our marriage another chance. I give the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. I also know that if he does it again, I have no one else to blame but myself for giving him the opportunity to hurt me again.
At this point, my only option is divorce. Sure, he's been on his best behavior for a little while, but he refuses to even acknowledge that he's done anything wrong. Someday he may realize how important that is. Until that day I'll continue as planned. If and when the time comes that he does own up to his actions, I'll have some pretty tough decisions to make.