I haven't updated in a few weeks and I don't exactly know why. I could use the chaos of Thanksgiving as an excuse, but that wouldn't really be true. I have had more than enough time recently and I've had things to write about, I just haven't felt like coming here.
We've been doing this whole trying to conceive thing for two years this December. It's been long and more painful than it should have been. With each miscarriage, our hope for having a child together has faded. There have been no definitive reasons why this has happened to us.
The doctors claim the first miscarriage was due to identical twins. Yes, I was pregnant with twins and the ultrasound showed they might have been identical. But we don't know for sure. We have no idea why their hearts just stopped beating one day.
The second miscarriage was supposed to be caused by either my positive toxoplasmosis test or some sort of hemorrhage they found on an ultrasound. No one knows for sure, but there was a heartbeat one day and then it stopped.
The third miscarriage is anybodies guess, since it was so early. Since they keep getting earlier and earlier, the doctors believe it may be progesterone related. But they don't know without testing and they wouldn't test me while I was on government insurance.
So, with absolutely no answers as to what has been causing our losses, we continue to try. This is my third cycle of Clomid. Perhaps it will aid my egg quality. If egg quality is even an issue. So far, nothing.
Well, probably nothing. Since I am the queen of imagining and hallucinating double lines, I have no idea. I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. About a half hour later it was barely positive. You know, positive in a way that it could all be in my head. Looking closer in the bright light of the bathroom, there were in fact two lines, but by then so much time had passed, one had to wonder whether or not it was an evaporation line or not.
I know in the past I have ranted on about how all of my supposed evaporation lines have always turned out to be faint positives. And then there was last cycle, when my evaporation line was just that. At twelve days past ovulation, faint lines would not worry me. But faint lines that may not be lines at all are just cruel.
So I will test again on Saturday morning to figure out what the hell is going on. I would just chalk everything up to the evaporation lines and blind hope if not for two things. First, since yesterday my boobs have been hurting, getting progressively more painful with each hour that goes by. Second, both yesterday and today have each contained a two hour window of grueling nausea. Of course, that could also be the blind hope and perhaps a touch of hypochondria.
So, that's why I've finally made it back to blog after weeks of avoidance. Here, I can blather on about my neurotic wonderings without weirding others out. Sure, I have a husband, but if I mention anything to him, he gets all girly with his hopes up and then I get to be the one who crushes those hopes. We waste so much hope on wondering whether each pregnancy will survive or not, I can't go squandering my hope on whether or not this pregnancy even exists.