today the energy is gone, the hope is fading and there is no urge to get any of it back. nothing happened all is still moving. it is just one of those days where putting one foot in front of the other is more than difficult. we talked the other night and the words finally hit my brain, and out jumped the fear. the feeling provoked are not his fault, they are my feelings, he just provides the safety to release them.
"Do you feel like you are apart of this whole process. I mean you really are just following me around."
"Of course I am part of it. This is like the wedding, make the plans and tell me when to show up and what to do."
"We are creating a child not throwing a party. Don't you want more input."
"I trust you. Just do what you think is right."
"I know you trust me, but I don't want you to feel left out. You don't get excited or upset, you just follow along."
"My life is just really busy right now. I am excited, you are just going to have to wait a bit for me to break out the pom-poms." He is getting a PhD and works insane hours.
"Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were in this with me."
that was the end of the conversation. ten minutes later.
"You have been in so much pain for so many years, and now you are in a position that your heart can be shattered. If I get in there with you, who is going to piece you back together? I need to stay detached for you."