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I Cried

Posted Dec 31 2010 12:00am

I finally have a chance to post. It’s been non-stop around here since the our adoption finalization day. It was amazing. Many of our friends and family came to support us while we met with the judge. The judge was nicevery support with a wry sense of humor. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, including the picture taking.

Basically, we all met in surrogate’s court in downtown NYC on one of the coldest days of the year.  Then we were escorted up to a beautiful waiting room, where we were greeted by other couples who were also finalizing their adoptions.

We happened to be the last family on the docket that day, but it went relatively quickly because we were on a such a high. When we were called in, we all proceeded into the judge’s chambers.

My father was there, along with Baby Jay’s godmother,  two of his stalwart playmates and their moms, the executive director of our adoption agency, and, of course, my attorney. We all sat around the table while the judge talked about how wonderful our Jay is.  She was tickled that two of his friends, who were also born in 2010, came along. She said that was the first time she had a two other babies witness an adoption signing. And she said that the fact that he had so many people there to support him was a good sign of things to come.

Then she asked routine questions like: how much we paid our attorney? and how did we find her?  Have your life circumstances changed since we brought Jay home? That part was all very routine.

Then, she had all of us raise our hands and swear that this was meant to be.

”This is the fun part of my  job, she began, “do you all solemnly swear that this is a good ideathat Nadia and Eva should be Baby Jay’s parents? and that this should be forever?”

“Yes,” we all cried in unison.

“And so by the power vested in me, I declare it so.”

Any day now, I should get the official paper work from the state of New York. Yippee!

It was brief but magical.

I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t; it seemed as if it was over before it began.

Then we took all sorts of pictures but, unfortunately, very few of them came out. I’ve posted the only focused picture we have with the judge.

After the paper signing, many of us went out to celebrate over lunch.

Even though I didn’t cry at the signing, I’ve definitely cried since. I’ve cried for all of my ttc failures, all of the feelings of inadequacy, loss and mourning that I carried with him for so long. Many of those feelings are behind me now, though I do sometimes feel a jolt in my gut when I hear that someone’s pregnant.; or when someone extols on the wonders of breastfeeding, but the difference is that that punched in the gut feeling passes much quickly now.   Like a flash, I remember that I’m Jay’s mom and it’s okay. What a relief.

I’ve also cried about the fact that baby Jay is the perfect little soul. We adore him beyond measure. His smile, laughter, and playful eyes are such an incredibly blessing. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world because I’m his mom.

When we first brought him home many people said that he was lucky to have been adopted by such a wonderful couple because we saved him from “his life circumstances”  but the fact of the matter is that we are the lucky ones. I’m so lucky to be his mom. He saved me from the depths of the despair and filled my life with boundless hope and joy. I am so incredibly blessed.

 I also cried on Christmas morning because it was just a perfect moment to punctuate a perfect yearthe year we became Jay’s parents.

His first Christmas was absolutely perfect. We opted not to go anywhere, not to visit with family and to stay home and enjoy our time together as family. This was the first Christmas with our son, something that I had been dreaming about for years. It also marked one the last moments of my parental leave, which also made the time precious.  So, we bought a little tree (because we were afraid that Jay would pull  down a  large tree), which was perfect, ordained with lots of penguins, which is the theme for Jay’s room, and for our family .

And, just yesterday, I cried about the fact that I have to go back to work on Monday. When I started my leave in September, I thought that four months of parental leave was the equivalent of forever. Now, it’s essentially over. I can’t believe it. I’ve had such an amazing time–from the play dates, to the mommy- and- me- classes, to his first Halloween , to the wonderful milestones every single day, to that forever young look in his eyes, to his first tooth at Thanksgiving–and I’m so nervous about leaving him with a baby sitter.  I keep thinking, “Will he even remember me when I get home in the evening? Will he grow to prefer her to me? Will he think I abandoned him?”

I would love to stay home with him, at least part-time, but I don’t know if that’s feasible.  Nadia and I have to talk more about that. For all of you women out there who’ve gone back to work, how they hell do you do it? Please advise.

Anyhoo, if I don’t have a chance to post again before midnight, I want to wish you a wonderful New Year. I know that many of you didn’t have wishes come true this year and please know that I understand how difficult that can be. All I can say is, tomorrow is another day, actually another year2011and I hope that with a new year comes new   beginnings, new insights, and new opportunities for growth and fulfillment.

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