One of the things about the adoption process that is strikingly different than the TTC process is that there is a lot of paperwork. Often couples celebrate every paper milestone, including: completing their initial application, finalizing their homestudy, and, eventually, when all of their paperwork is submitted, and they are waiting to be chosen by a birthmother, they celebrate their ‘paper pregnancy’. Well, I’m not sure how I feel about that last term, but that’s not what this post is about, this is about the impending homestudy visit, its subsequent write up, and our related jitters.
Last month, after my IVF retrieval, when I learned that I wasn’t going to have an embryo transfer, I immediately sprung into action, embarking on an almost manic quest to find out everything about adoption and get my paper work submitted the court, so that our home could be certified as a pre-adoptive home. Well, being the eager beaver that I am, I scheduled the home study for this Tuesday.
Yikes! What was I thinking? Are we ready for this?
Nadia and I will have to submit an intake form and the social worker will interview us to determine if we are qualified to adopt according to the laws of our state. As part of the home study process, the social worker comes to our house to ‘inspect’ our home. In addition to the interview and intake form, we will have to have a legal background check and a financial evaluation.
Well, since that initial flurry of activity, I’ve slowly been coming down from the mania, and I’m not looking forward to this visit on Tuesday. What is the social worker going to think of us? Ironcially, Nadia, in her line of work as a social worker in foster care, does home studies all of the time, and even she is feeling a little anxious.
I’m spending the next two days, cleaning (over and over again) to make sure the dust bunnies are removed, but I have to admit that I”m a little worried about questions about my desire to conceive and how I”m processing that loss. I will be honest but I don’t want her to think that I would be an unfit parent because I’m still greiving. I know that some adoption agencies want people to finish greiving before they start on their adoption journey but, honestly, I dont’ think that that’s realistic.
If I’ve learned anything in the last few years while I was trying to get pregnant, I”ve learned that grief is cyclical. And I can’t be expected to say ‘yes, I’ve mourned my loss and I’m over it.” What I think I can say is that “I am working on my feelings of loss and disappointment and what matters to me most is become a mother. Once Nadia and I have the litle one in our arms, I feel confident that we will be able to nurture him (or her) and give him all of the love and support we would have given to my own biological child.”