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Holidays and trying

Posted Oct 22 2008 4:51pm

My computer is not my friend. From across the room, I can see that it is connected to the internet, yet whenever I go to actually use it, I have no connection. It's a big annoying tease.

We got through Thanksgiving. We got through my birthday (ugh, 28 now. I'm ready to stop getting older.) We barely made it through Christmas. The prodigal son (i.e. my brother) returned after stealing over 50 thousand dollars from my parents in his new (bought with my parents money) car showing off his fiancee's new (also provided by my parents) engagement ring. Everyone pretended that nothing was wrong. I had to leave. I'm sorry, but you don't steal 50 thousand dollars and then just show up out of the blue looking for Christmas presents. The fact that my parents now have a wad of cash from mortgaging the house (which they needed to do to pay all of the bills he caused during his identity theft) had nothing to do with it, I'm sure.

We got a Wii for the family for Christmas. The Hellion got a Nintendo DS. The Monster Baby got an exersaucer, in which she beats the toys into submission until she passes out, head down on one of the toys. She's in love.

The husband is ready to start trying again. I on the other hand am weighing the pros and cons.

Pro: I'm not getting any younger and in the world of recurrent miscarriage, things don't get easier with each passing year.

Con: My marriage kind of blows and we should really be working on us right now.

Pro: I raised the Hellion alone for years. If things don't work out with the husband, well what's the difference really?

Con: Raising three kids alone has got to be harder than raising one alone.

Pro: Raising three kids alone is better than always wishing you had had one more and not being able to once you meet someone else because of your wretched female reproduction system.

Con: The husband could return to being a douche bag.

Pro: Does it really matter? Should I let the fact he may cheat on me keep me from having what I want? Will remaining un-pregnant keep him from straying? Is any of this really my issue? He's going to do whatever he wants no matter what I do, so I repeat does it really matter?

And back and forth again and again. My mind is annoying. I know I'm probably going to try, but every once in a while a voice pops up whispering, "maybe it will be easier if you didn't." Maybe it would, but I don't really care. I know that if I do get pregnant, I'll become a hormonal basketcase, but at least deep down somewhere, I'll know I'm doing it for me. I don't need him. All that matters in me and my kids, however many I choose to have while my body allows.

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