Great Marriages Can Suck and Sucky Marriages Can Have Their Moments
Posted May 13 2009 10:37pm
Marriage can't be perfect all of the time. If you think your marriage is without it's problems, let me just say: Congratulations on your recent wedding and talk to me in a couple years.
Every couple fights because it would be unnatural if you both saw every situation in the exact same way. You'll fight about money, about the kids, about sex, about housework, about something. It'll seem major at the time, but most couples get over it. Why? Because it just isn't important. These types of things can be worked though. Or one person will just take charge in that department because the other is incompetent. Either way, the fighting ceases.
Some couples fight way more than the others do because there is something beyond the average marriage problems going on. Lying, hiding things, becoming to close to third parties of the opposite sex, in other words - disrespecting your partner. While this would include cheating, I'm not going to go there because that's an issue that blatantly pisses on your marriage vows and you should get out. Right now. Do it.
While I talk about most aspects of my life here, I tend to avoid in depth posts about my marriage. I do that because I don't want to be that friend. You know, that friend, everyone has one. The one who bitches about her marriage, gets you to hate her husband and then takes him back, making you wonder what kinds of moron she is. That friend.
After I was married, I was that friend to everyone. All of my friends were single and none of them understood that you don't get divorced just because he did something you didn't like or approve of. Now that my friends are getting married, they are finally getting it. You can love your husband, hate your husband, want to kill your husband and want to have sex with your husband all at the same time. Or at least within hours of each other.
You love your husband. You do. You married him because you love him. If you didn't love him, nothing could keep you with him. You'd leave. Or cheat. Or drive him to leave or cheat, depending on your personality. Just because your husband sucks at the moment, doesn't mean you can't still love him. My friends are finally getting that.
At times, you may absolutely hate your husband. You may dream of packing your bags, leaving forever and hopefully screwing him over in some major fashion he will never completely recover from. This too is normal. Hating him doesn't make you not love him. The more you love someone, the more you have the capacity to hate him as well. Except of course, if you hate him all the time, every minute of the day. Then you should reevaluate your situation.
The sex thing is what really baffled my friends. How can you have sex with someone if you are hating them? Easy. It's about you and your needs. He just happens to be a living, breathing vibrator. He doesn't mind, trust me. You get yours and then feel better or you get yours and continue the hate. Either way, you got yours. Or perhaps you don't really want to, but your doing it so he still loves you, doesn't stray, isn't mad, etc. That's less healthy. It happens, but it's just going to leave you bitter afterwords. Unless it works, and then good for you, I guess.
Now that my friends are starting to get married and have problems of their own, they are starting to get it. They love their husbands, they don't want to give up on their marriage, but . . . (insert asshole thing husband did.) They feel hurt, betrayed, disrespected and above all they are doubting their marriage. I get it. I am too. They have numerous reasons for staying, but there is that one, or two, or twenty things that he did that they just can't get over. The trust is gone. They think they can't get it back. Or in my case, being married longer, I know I can get it back. I've done it before. BUT - then I just get kicked in the vagina again by his doing either the same thing or something completely new and different and repulsive. And then the trust is gone again and I'm left wondering why I stayed in the first place.
And before you think I'm a moron again, he's not doing thinks I could get an unexplained STD from. At least as far as I know. And I'm pretty good at knowing stuff. It's stupid stuff like lying and hiding things when I wouldn't have been all that mad about the truth. Like strippers. Or porn. It's blowing me off to hang out when he knows I need him home and sober-ish. It's e-mailing girls on craigslist or dating sites. He's not meeting them, he's just getting some bizarre ego trip knowing he could if he wanted to. That's my major issue. It would be way to easy to cross the line the first time he's annoyed with me. He seems to have stopped, but who knows. He shouldn't be doing these things and I shouldn't have to worry about him doing these things. If you told me before I was married that he would have done these things I wouldn't have believed you. If in some miracle way you could have convinced me, I wouldn't have married him. And yet, I stay.
I have a sucky marriage and I stay. My friends are finally starting to see that I have my reasons and in fact am not a complete moron. I love my husband, as hurtful as he can be. Most of the time, our marriage is good. We have 2 kids together and I have another from a previous relationship. I'm a stay at home mom without any money of my own. I never finished my degree and the job market is bad and I don't have any real marketable skills. Dating at 30 with 3 kids could only suck ass. But more than anything else, I love my husband. And that's why I stay. If the shitty behavior continues, once all the kids are in school, I finish school, and have some money, I may feel differently. Or maybe he'll become the type of guy I thought I was marrying and we'll only fight about socks on the floor and forgetting to pay the phone bill. We'll become of those loving, trusting couples other people envy. You never know what the future holds.