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Friday Flashback: Nervous Breakdown 101

Posted Dec 03 2010 7:14am
At the encouragement of my husband, I'm starting a new weekly feature called Friday Flashback.  I hope you'll enjoy some of my posts from the original Sticky Feet blog.  As I look through the archives, it is amazing how much things change.... but yet, how much things stay the same!

The post below was originally posted on December 5, 2006.

Just when I feel like I've got it all together and I'm doing well....


And it hits like a ton of bricks.

Yesterday evening Mike came home with hot dogs and s'mores makings with plans to light a fire in the fireplace and have a romantic, fun, quiet evening at home. Instead he was greeted by the mad insurance researcher (me) and what turned into the nervous break-down from hell.

Things started out okay and we were just calmly discussing insurance. But somehow, it escalated and suddenly it wasn't just about insurance. It was about where we live. Why we are here and how sad I am about all of it. Mike managed to hold it together well and deal with me quite nicely as I proceeded to cry half of our evening away.

We didn't resolve anything but he did get me calmed down and we were able to enjoy a nice fire and dinner. By that point though I was exhausted -- nervous breakdowns can be quite draining....

I woke up much better this morning but Mike on the other hand did not. He ended up coming home from work early. It seems my boy has been plagued by the flu. As soon as I got home from school I started taking care of him... he seems to be doing a bit better, but we all know that the flu is no fun and I am really hoping that I don't get it.

I made some more calls and sent a few more emails about insurance plans today. I am feeling better about the whole situation. (Thanks so much for your comments and advice, I really do appreciate it!). I totally agree with you guys -- adoption should not be something I do just because, it has to be something I really want to do and even though I am researching and keeping my options open, I know I am just not there yet. So we will go talk to Dr. B on Friday and explain the insurance issues to him. We will fight to stay with him and hopefully get our way.

From the looks of it I may get a 2 month break as we get the insurance stuff figured out. (The new plan does not take effect until Jan. 7th and then we have to get everything cleared through the HMO -- so we are looking at February at the earliest for IVF #3). I know that deep down I probably need a break, but that doesn't make it any easier. In reality, I just want to power through and get to the end result -- which I really hope is a child. I have decided to not take any BCP's this month. This is the first month since May that I have not been on any type of hormone inducing medication -- hopefully it will balance me some.... but so far that isn't looking very promising...

For example, tonight, I randomly decided to go on an online shopping spree. I have tons of clothing coming to my house -- probably only one piece that I will actually keep -- but it is coming just for my viewing pleasure.... with free shipping, of course. Nothing like having the store delivered to your house, but I guess that is what I have to do since I live in the middle of nowhere. Why isn't there a mail order ultrasound machine so I can count my own darn follicles during all these cycles? Just think of all the gas I'd save!

My thoughts, 4 years later...
I don't remember that night, but I do remember those clothes.  I kept a black cardigan with a polar bear on the chest and a black and cream dot sweater.  I still have them.  But I've barely worn them.  That was the first time I had bought myself clothes since before we started IVF. 
As fate would have it, we started fresh IVF #3 (cycle #5) on our anniversary, February 14.  I have a picture from that morning wearing the black and cream sweater.  It worked! We conceived Bo.  If I would have known that all I had to do was going on a shopping spree, I would have done that much sooner.
I still feel just as crazy some days, but the issues I was facing that day have been laid to rest.  A nice date night with some hot dogs and s'mores by the fire does sound like fun...
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