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Floating For Now

Posted Oct 07 2010 11:04pm
I have been in Oregon for almost a week now and am finally settled enough that I can post.  Settling has been a bit overwhelming, I had to get everything at home ready to bring the baby home and then had to do a lot of it all over again here.  Now I am just trying to enjoy these last few days before the real adventure begins.

Just being here has really made me feel so much better.  I no longer have to worry about missing the birth and just being near Sabrina and Cletus really takes away so much stress.  The thing that I am dealing with now is letting down these walls so that I can feel like this is really happening.  I am so excited that Sabrina is having a baby in just a little bit, but I am still having a hard time letting myself feel that I am about to become a mother.  The title that had eluded me is so close and yet I am unable to let myself really believe.

Unlike the other times that I have felt disconnected I am not afraid.  I know that this will all go away the second I hear my son scream.  For right now I am just going to go floating along because I have the ability to float!  For years I was drowning in the longing and fear of never being a mother.  Now I just have to convince my psyche that this is real and that it is okay for me to let those defenses down, but I am also sure that this will work itself loose.

I had a very interesting experience the other night.  Sabrina and I went to her last birthing class, which was a small class taught by Sabrina's doula.  The setting was comfortable and I was not nervous because at least there was a big belly sitting next to me.  Trying to do "mommy" things in a surrogacy situation is not always easy.  People often have a hard time disguising their feelings when you bring up the topic of surrogacy.  The majority of them try to be supportive, but there is often an underlying judgement that comes out in some way.

At the birthing class I was the one feeling a little weird.  It is not always easy to know that your role is as an intended mother.  Yes, I am the one who will raise my son and I am the one that will have the honor of being his mother, but I am not the one that has to bring him into the world.  My job only begins when he gets here and until then I am really nothing.  I know that sounds bad, but it really is not I am just still having a very hard time explaining what this feels like.  Of course, I will do whatever I can to make this easier for Sabrina, but she already has a HUGE support system that is much more capable of supporting her.

For right now I am just going to float and hope that the path is clear of power lines!  We have a midwife appointment tomorrow and I will update then.
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