I written before about my struggle with worry . Lately, it has become clear to me that it goes beyond worry, it is fear. I feel like fear is the last major stronghold remaining in my life (not that I don't have many other areas to work on), but in terms of a major area where I need to see the Lord's deliverance.
This really came into focus for me once we got the referral for Joshua. Suddenly, I was paralyzed by the thought of it all falling apart. When I would hear about the troubles between North and South Korea on the news, I would become fearful that they will shutdown adoptions. For a long time, I was hoping for a miracle pregnancy. Then I made a decision to let go and now I actually worry about getting pregnant. To get pregnant now would mean losing Joshua.
However, I believe the Lord has begun working on me in a number of ways to enable me to overcome fear.
Recently, He led me to the Scriptures below, which I am sure I have read before, but it seemed as if I was reading them for the very first time.
"Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”" Mark 5:36
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3
In the Bible, the antidote to fear is trust; it is believing.
After a great conversation with one of the ladies from my Apples of Gold Bible study, she sent me an email with some of her thoughts on fear (she had recently done Beth Moore's Esther Bible study). She said,
Esther moved from self-preservation to brave determination.
Esther had to overcome herself to do what God created her to do (she had a choice).
Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgment that there is something more important at stake.
Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us, so he settles on the next best thing, threatening to destroy us.
Prov 23:7 - as a man thinks, so is he.
We don't just trust God to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us.
"If ____, then God will take care of me."
"If ____, then God has a plan."
"If ____, then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me."
"If ___, then Gods going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me."
I especially love where she said courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgment that something more important is at stake.
Finally, I came across something in a Joyce Meyer book that really spoke to me. She writes that every person in the Bible who was ever used by God was told to "fear not." She goes on to say that the Greek word for fear implies flight or running away from something, so it is not that God is telling us to not feel fear, but rather, "when fear comes, don't run away - don't let it stop you from going forward!"
Joyce then said three simple, but for me, very profound words, "Do it afraid." Just because we have fear doesn't mean we can't do the things we are afraid of.
And so I must press on. I must move forward in spite of uncertainty. I sent Joshua a care package in spite of my fears because something more was at stake - we need to begin caring for him now and his foster family needs to know that he is loved. And at Thanksgiving I let my sisters give me some baby stuff.
Yes, there is a stroller in my house and its kinda freaking me out.