Experience

Now that I have moved, I am in an area where doula's are more established and well-known. I went to a 'get-to-know-you' meeting with 4 other doulas this week, and came home so excited! Their fees are DOUBLE what I have been charging and they are being paid in full. And with less experience than I have. Or at any rate, fewer births and different experiences. Which was one of the really cool things for me. I realized that I have supported 23 pregnancies now (I can't say 23 women because a number of them were repeats), and been at the actual birth for 17 of them. I know there are doulas and midwives and nurses for whom that number is but a drop in the bucket. But I feel like I'm really getting somewhere. And it is more experience than the majority of doulas in our area. I know what I'm doing and am of real value to labouring Moms/families. I have had doctors thank me because in their opinion, if I wasn't there, Mom would have had "a very different outcome". That being said, there are absolutely births where I question myself, beat myself up, and wish I could just do that one thing differently because then maybe....

I came away from the last birth feeling like I had crossed some sort of threshold. And I don't know how to say it without sounding all uppity or something.... but I really am good at what I do and that is a very cool feeling. To know that not only do the Mom's/Dad's/partners trust me and benefit from my presence, but the nurses, doctors, and midwives do too. It feels like I am finally becoming comfortable in my own shoes. I'm not a fledgling doula desparate for experience and just hoping against hope that I make it through..... No. I am a doula who makes a difference. Not the kind of difference where every birth is a hippy crunchy granola 100% natural "perfect" birth, because that isn't reality. I make the kind of difference where the people I am with feel supported, and cared for, and are empowered in their role. I do whatever I can to help each labouring Mom be the best she can be, for her partner to be at his or her best, for the midwife, nurse, and even the doctor, to all rise to the occassion as best they can given the circumstances we're in. I can't "make" anything happen, but I can work to create an environment which allows the best to be brought out. And sometimes that best still looks pretty abismal. Sometimes babies are apprehended by CAS, invasive interventions are used, people say mean or hurtful things. I don't bring about, or expect, 'perfection'. I give what I can, and trust that it is enough. There is still so much more to learn.... if this is what it feels like to be here, I can't imagine the ways I will have grown and changed by the time I get to 50 births, or 100.....

I am very excited about the possibilities for the future.