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Expecting but not pregnant...it's complicated!

Posted Apr 23 2009 5:26pm


So here I am, nearly 16 weeks *pregnant*, and blogging about it...hmmm...doesn't sound like a "hot" topic but I promise it's a good story.

I'm not even sure why I'm starting this blog in the first place. Partly it's a place to keep an account of this amazing baby adventure we're on...the details tend to get fuzzy, particularly during nighttime feedings I hear. So why not keep a journal one might ask? Good question. I guess it's also a place where I can give my sister and her family the shoutOUT they deserve for what they're doing for us...even if no one reads it, at least I'm putting it out there right?
My younger sister is our gestational carrier - meaning the baby she's growing for us is biologically our child, but is in her uterus.

So back to the beginning, and I promise I'll be brief:
Diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma at 30; just met my now husband, then boyfriend only a month before so things were BRAND new; cancer tx means I'll lose my fertility *yikes* so we had to decide in 24 hours what to do *yikes again* - did I mention we'd only be dating for a month? Imagine that conversation..."So, looks like if we ever want to have kids of our own, we need to make them now and then freeze them for a few years. Interested?" Most people probably would have hit the road, but not my guy. He sticks - only one of his amazing qualities.

So we whipped up some eggs through a quickie IVF cycle, sperminated them, and let them grow to 3 days old when they promptly went to the freezer. Fast forward a couple of years: now married, decide to thaw some of our 20 embryos out to see what could happen and we embark on what I honestly thought would be our baby-walk-in-the-park. Not even close...endless hormone cycles, transfers, tears, frustrations, and no success. We finally admitted defeat. My system was just too blasted by the radiation, and pregnancy in my poor uterus was just not going to happen. Enter my sister - our saviour. Jenna had always told me she would carry a baby for me if I needed her to - even back when I was first diagnosed and we knew that *could* be something we'd have to consider. It was something we often joked about, not really taking it too seriously. I mean after all, we had 20 embryos on ice! I figured out biggest dilemma was going to be taking care of the twins and figuring out what to do with the remaining 18 kidsicles.

After lots of talking, planning, thinking, and more talking, we all (both husbands and Jenna and I) decided to give it a shot. Then came all the complicated stuff: the counselling sessions we were all mandated to do, the lawyers, the lawyers' fees, the doctor visits, the countless medical tests, the stress, the fear, the worry, the anxiety...I have often said gestational surrogacy requires a ton of emotional stamina. It's a difficult process to maneuver, even when your surrogate is your sister. People kept asking me if I was excited for Jenna to carry a baby for us. That always struck me as the weirdest question. No, I wasn't excited. I wanted to carry our baby. Period. I felt ticklings of excitement as I imagined a baby at the end of it all, but excited was not an emotion I ever experienced during that time. It was really tough, and continues to be, but luckily we're on the good side now. The side where there's a nearly 16-week fetus growing along just great in my sister's uterus... so now we're getting *excited*.

As I write this all out I think I know the reasons I'm doing this blog.
1. Maybe someone else will read it who's in a similar situation and not feel so isolated
2. My sis and I are incredibly passionate about surrogacy and the wonderful opportunity it creates for families
3. This baby has been so wanted for so long that it's about time I got excited about it and started telling the whole world!!!!
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