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Existential and Exhausted

Posted Sep 12 2013 3:00am

Oh hai.

If The Infertility Voice has felt a bit off kilter lately, you’d be correct. Things are off kilter here. Life has been hectic.

(Isn’t it always? I feel like that’s my default excuse but in truth, my life is wicked busy right now.)

I’m resolved. Our son is a pretty rad little infant. Still technically infertile.

*knocks on her ovary*

“Yoo-hoo…! Anybody home?”

*crickets*

Right. So. What does this all mean for this space here?

In truth… I really don’t know.

I’ve been writing this blog post in my head for about six months now. In the weeks right before Judah was born, my life kind of exploded: I took on a ton of new freelance work and successfully co-chaired a swanky fundraiser in downtown Boston. Just as that wrapped, the following week, I had my baby 5 weeks premature. Life has zoomed ahead at breakneck speed since then. Our son is already four months old, as of today.

Time has flown, people.

In the wake: my blog fell to the wayside (I had so very many, many WordPress updates to make just before writing this post). My Facebook page has gathered a bit of dust. And my Twitter and Pinterest feeds have largely become promotional spaces for all of my Disney Baby column.

What else have I got going on?

Some freelance writing for SyFy.com. My Answers.com Infertility Expert column . And some other freelance projects, like this hot new logo for Conroy for Boston . (It is trippy to see my work on campaign signs throughout the city. Go Chris!)

Oh, and that whole WAHM thing now.

So yeah. Up to my eyeballz with a truckton of work, a lovely baby, and generally trying to remember to do things like pee, eat, sleep. Shower when I remember.

I feel like I need a site redesign, as if somehow, that will kick me in the ass and get things started back up. As much as I’d love to turn The Infertility Voice into this slick, cosmopolitan web magazine as I had intended with this most recent redesign, in truth – I just don’t think I have the time to do that kind of editorial work.

My own personal journey with infertility has for now, ended. Yes, we’ve still got four on ice . (Which reminds me… our first embryo storage bill is due.) But for right now, we’re focusing all of our attention and love on Judah. What comes down the pike in a couple of years from now remains to be seen.

So where does that leave me in this space? As THE infertility voice, as I’ve so loudly proclaimed for myself?

For the first time in a very long time, I’m not sure I know how to respond.

I’ve been struggling with this identity crisis for months now, well before Judah even got here.

Am I just another mommyblogger ?

Or do I still have something worthwhile left to contribute to this community?

And, important follow up question: do I realistically have the a) time; b) energy; or c) drive – to really keep going? In order, my responses would be No, Yes with Caffeine and Some All Nighters, and On the Fence.

It’s that last response that concerns me, given how deeply entrenched I became in this community.

Lemme lay something to you real straight like.

Remember when I was all like, “Heyyyyyyy I’ma be on the KATIE Showwwwww!!”

And then everyone was like, “When’s it gonna air??”

And I was like, “Ummmmmmmm… soon?!”

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, yeah. Obvs, it never happened. Even though she’s done a handful of infertility-themed shows since, that ship has sailed. I had two contacts with her show, a producer who has since left and her assistant, who stopped responding to my emails months ago.

I get that this is the way that television works. I’m no dummy.

But… that doesn’t mean it didn’t just bruise my ego, but suckerpunch me right in the face.

The plan? Appear on Katie. Boost my platform within the infertility community. Really get to work on a book proposal. Start trying to find agents.

Yeah. Vain? Ambitious? Perhaps a tad over-reaching? Guilty as charged. But at least I can be transparent about it and own it.

Katie never happened. My freelance work was at an all-time low at the beginning of this year. I began experiencing prenatal depression . I had a bit of an identity crisis .

And then suddenly, as my work for the New Leaders Council Boston started rarin’ up, the freelance work came at me like a ton of very fortuitous bricks. This all happened around mid-April, right as I was planning to revamp The Infertility Voice. My husband left for China on business. We joked about making a contingency plan if I went into labor. We shrugged it off.

And then I went into labor.

For the past four months, I’ve felt like I’ve been on perpetual catch-up. With my attentions (rightly) focused on this new little human being, this fascinating little guy who can smile and roll over and do all sorts of amazingly cool shit for a four-month old – I’ve just always felt like I’m running a month behind. On everything.

Suddenly, the focus of my world went from Infertility with a Capital I to holyshitI’mresponsibleforanotherpersonnow.

I have watched this time and time again in our community. The infertility blogger who gets pregnant, has her baby, packs up her virtual suitcase and leaves.

I refuse to be that blogger.

The thing is, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m stubborn like that, if it’s because of my ego and what I’ve built and created within this community, or if yes, beneath all the exhaustion, I really do still feel so passionately about this community and what we need.

I have become acutely aware of the untethered space of pregnancy and parenting after infertility because, I’ll tell you what – there is no mindfuck quite like finding out you’re pregnant when you really weren’t sure it was ever going to happen for you. And that mindfuck only continues once you leave the RE’s office and move to the OB with virtually no support and yes, even once your baby gets here. And in our case, WAY ahead of schedule, no less.

I know that many of you have commented or tweeted or emailed me to let me know: hey, it’s cool. We’ll abide while you figure yo shit out. And for those of you that have reached out to me to let me know as such: thank you. It has really meant a lot. But I know others have grown bored. And with the Great Demise of Google Reader , there’s been a big shift in the way folks read and follow their favorite blogs, myself included.

Everything just feels so very precariously momentary right now. Maybe it’s because we’re toward the tail end of the High Holidays, and I always get a bit introspective then. Maybe I’m just anticipating a retrograde Mercury next month.

Or maybe I just need to get my shit together and figure out what I’m doing here.

So, if you’re willing to abide even further as I muddle my way through this, word. Thank you. You’ve always been welcome and it’s nice to have the company. If it’s time to peace out, I get it. No hard feelings. You’re always welcome back.

I’m just not sure right now, if you were to leave, exactly what you’d be coming back to.*

*Probably another redesign. Because let’s be honest, I’m a StudioPress/Genesis/WordPress design junkie.

So there you have it.

What you have, I don’t know.

All I know is, it’s 3am and I’ve got maybe 3 hours, 4 if I’m really lucky, to get some sleep.

Bonne nuit, mes amis.

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