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Embryo Adoption: Closing the Door

Posted Jul 12 2010 5:33pm
On July 2, the couple that adopted our embryos, Jasmine and Ken, found out that the cycle was a wash with a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  This is the end of the road for them with infertility treatments and was a sad day for all of us to see the end of something that we had worked so hard for not come to be.

Of the three embryos, only one survived the thaw and was placed into Jasmine's uterus.  We knew this meant a lower chance for success, but we all still had our fingers crossed and our hopes up until the very end. 

When I told Mike the results, he said, "I remember that feeling.  All of that work and it ends in nothing."  Exactly.  All of the hours that Jasmine put in to coordinate the cycle and make it a reality.  All of the hoops we jumped through.  All of the pills she popped.  All of it was for nothing, or at least it seems that way when you examine the situation from the surface...

Upon further introspection, it's obvious that this cycle gave both of our families needed closure in many aspects of our lives.  For us, it officially closed the door on infertility.  The embryos are gone and the door has officially been slammed in the face of infertility.  It's over.  The shots, the doctor's visits, the paperwork, the births.  Mike and I are both glad to see it go. 

And in some ways, it is nice to close the door firmly and seal it shut.  During the embryo adoption/donation process we had decided to be open and honest with our kids about the entire situation.  And we knew there was a possibility that any resulting children could want to meet us and their genetic siblings at some point in the future.  This would have always been in the back of our minds -- along with the worry that maybe the child would be extremely angry with us or that our children would be upset about the situation.   At the same time, we seemed to be on the same page with Jasmine and Ken and for some reason I just don't really think it would have been a huge issue for anyone involved.  But I probably always would have worried about it -- at least a little.  The negative result makes these thoughts and worries a moot point.

For Jasmine and Ken, it's a different kind of closure.  They won't be adding to their family -- at least not how they had originally intended.  They do have some hope -- Jasmine could still become pregnant naturally and they may still look into more traditional adoption -- but this path has closed for them as well.  For them, it is more of a time of mourning.  A realization that their daughter may be an only child.  It's a sadness that while very difficult, isn't the same as it could be if they didn't have each other and if they had not already been blessed with a child. 

As Jasmine said in an email to me earlier today, the entire process has allowed her to let go a little and to remember her blessings.  They are moving forward and shutting the door on infertility - it's just a different door than the one Mike and I are closing.  She's finally able to enjoy a morning cup of coffee, a glass of wine with dinner, and purchase a few cute outfits because she is no longer using the excuse of treatments or a pending pregnancy.  Those of you who've been on the infertility roller coaster know exactly what I'm talking about!  While a glass of a vintage Cabernet won't make the pain go away, it definitely won't hurt anything either.

Every one's path to have a family is different.  Our journey certainly is nothing like I envisioned it being 6 1/2 years ago when we were married.  While I may have foreshadowed fertility issues, I never realized what that would mean -- and I certainly never anticipated what life would be like with three children under the age of two.  However, I feel like I'm finally making peace with the hand we were dealt -- both what we had to do to get here and the chaos that has ensued as a result.  My hope for Jasmine is that she and Kyle are also able to make peace with their journey to complete their family and end up happy.  Truly, that is all I wish for everyone who has to ride the infertility roller coaster -- that they find their peace and happiness.

You can see the other posts in the series here , here , here , and here .
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