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Dreaming in anger.

Posted Feb 09 2010 12:30pm
Had a dream so real this morning I thought it actually happened, and then was so angry in said dream I woke up with a nasty headache. I wish I had written this down as soon as I got to work as opposed to so late in the day now, as the details are fuzzy. Essentially, it had this very late 70's early 80's feel to it, like the way old photos look. I was at my RE's office, there for a 9am appointment. The receptionist said it was canceled, and no one had called me to let me know it was canceled. I freaked out- like full-on screaming match- and went on and on about how it's already a 45 minute drive to their office and they could have called me before I got there. The receptionist had the nerve to tell me it was a far drive for my doctor too, and that I shouldn't be so selfish. I stormed out of the office. I think the receptionist was played by Elizabeth Mitchell of LOST fame. (My dreams have been peppered by cameo appearences this past week from several LOST stars.)

I have been in a foul, foul funk as of late.

I've got a 2nd u/s Friday morning (7:30am... which means I have to leave by 6:45am to get their by T b/c driving in to the Longwood area is dumb) and more b/w, prolly during lunch tomorrow. The part of me that can't stand being a human lab rat is also the same part of me that doesn't like unanswered questions. If a second u/s and more b/w mean a better picture of the random ovarian pain these past few weeks (which is all but gone now), well, then, let's do it, I suppose.

I look forward to tests and doctor's appts now about as much as I look forward to a bat to the face.

Speaking of b/w, here's the results from last Monday, 2/1Estradiol = 24 pg/mL (post-menopausal or mid-follicular peak, depending on context)
Progesterone = 0.3 ng/mL (low, post-meno)
ESR (Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate - measures inflammation/autoimmune disease things; non-specific test) = 23.0 mm/hr (slightly elevated)
FSH = 61.4 mIU/mL (post-meno ranges)
LH = 42.3 miU/mL (post-meno or mid-cycle peak, depending on context)

Stellar.

Other things... got an iPhone- it rocks, way better than the Windows Mobile POS Samsung Blackjack I was using before; leveled up to 21 in COD: Modern Warfare 2 and unlocked the Bling perk; catching up on No Reservations; thoroughly confused and enthralled by the new season of LOST; hating my job like it's my job and am now actively searching (5 apps out in the last 24 hours); really hoping to somehow have a magical 4-day snowday weekend, but most likely not; thought the second half of the Super Bowl was some pretty incredible football playing and absolutely despised the onslaught of particularly misogynistic ads this year; made mozzarella cheese from scratch last weekend.

And there ya have it. I'm pretty much perpetually angry and frustrated, constantly smiling and knodding at the life in front of me while glancing sideways at any opportunity to get out of or change my present circumstances, job or IF-wise.

I feel like I'm ready to crack.
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