I have struggled to write this post so much, I don't want it to be real I guess. Plus, I have a tendency to shutdown after difficult news, often withdrawing from family and friends and finding it difficult to write for a while.
We found out in August that John is going to be deployed to Afghanistan. Orders are now in hand, so any hope we had of it being canceled is now gone. I can't get into specifics as far as exactly when and where, but I will say that in all likelihood he will miss Jonah's homecoming. Even now, I can't write this without starting to cry. Jonah will be two before he meets his daddy.
To say this news devastated me feels like an understatement. I am heartbroken over it.
I wrote the following to a few friends the day after we received the news. It captures my feelings well.
I am so so scared of going through the transition period when Jonah is grieving hard and adjusting by myself. I still haven't written about everything we went through with Joshua, but it was REALLY HARD, especially the first 5 months. I really don't know how I am going to do it by myself. Never have I felt less capable or up to something in my life. We had a middle of the road transition experience with Joshua, not the most difficult, but most certainly not the easiest. I am asking God for His great mercy in this for an easy transition with Jonah. When he first comes home, I won't be able to allow anyone else to help with Jonah for bonding purposes, so if he is up screaming and crying, it is going to be all me. I need your prayers, for strength, for comfort, for peace. I just can't believe John won't be here to experience this with me. I am heartbroken that John won't get to meet his son for several months at least. And I don't know how we are going to transition to being a family of four once John is home.
I don't really know what else to say. I am sad. I am scared, for John's safety, for the bond between John and Joshua, for how Jonah will transition and how he will respond to daddy coming home.
As I have so often in the past, I sought comfort from the Lord through His word; He immediately led me to Psalm 29:11,
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
I believe it is His promise to me during this time. I really have never felt less capable of anything in my life, but I believe that God is faithful and He will supply all that I need during this time.
We would be so thankful for your prayers for our family and for John's safety.