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Con-fused

Posted May 12 2009 6:15pm
Note: Although this is a fairly heavy topic, it was my intent to keep the tone fairly light-hearted to match my thoughts. We will either do it or we won't. It will either work or it won't and then we will (or won't) move on to a fresh DE cycle in the fall.

I am con-fused. That is I have fused two conflicting ideas, not confused in the more common sense of the word. Long term readers of my blog know that I have often expressed doubt that I pursued our mutually genetic baby long enough. A five minute search of my blog and I found six posts ( here, here, here, here, here and most recently here ). I know I must mention it a dozen more times. It is seriously pathetic.

Now I am contemplating one last "one last chance" with my eggs when I said I wouldn't. Here is the con-fusing part: When I imagined going down that path, transferring all my embryos and the DE embryo, I imagined having one healthy baby growing. In the next split second of space where it is pure "gut feeling" and no logic I felt, "I hope it is LB's full sibling that makes it."

Yes, I want to try again with my eggs, I want one to implant and make a baby, and I want it to be the DE embryo.

Confused?

Upon closer introspection I think it plays out something like this:
  • I want to prove to myself and the world that I am not broken and I can reproduce
  • I want to continue in the cells of the human race
  • I want to see myself in another and, ideally, a fusing of 'the love of my life' and myself in another
  • I am hoping it will help me let go of some of my lingering doubts
And
  • I want to give LB a fully genetic sibling. I grew up with three sisters very much like me in appearance and personality which I would like to recreate that for LB.
  • It could potentially cause complications if we had one mutually genetic kid and one DE kid
  • The more I see of LB's personality and the more we interact, the more I see her as being made up of her genes, not the sum of others genes.
  • Most importantly: LB is a healthy, happy, amazing and remarkable kid whom I completely adore. Why wouldn't I want another one just like very similar to her?
I will admit, I am also a bit confused because I don't know trying again with my eggs will accomplish what I think it will even if it fails. Maybe it seems like a good idea because the potential is all in front of me. Maybe I am evolving anyway and a trying again would be superfluous.

It's funny, but before I embarked on our DE journey, I asked some DE moms about what they thought about walking away from the possibility of their genetic offspring. Some said that they still haven't given up and were planning or thinking about cycling again with their eggs. I thought it showed weakness of character. Maybe it does.
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